Infertility & Broken Bits of Glass

Yesterday, I went in to see my gynecologist and she delivered news that broke my heart. I knew it was coming but to have it said aloud, well, it just really cemented our path and I’ll admit I cried.

We have officially been referred to a reproductive endocrinologist to help set up a game plan due to our infertility. I know it’s not the end of the world, logically I know this, but emotionally, I’m wrecked and I keep wondering if it’s even worth it and then I think I’m terrible for even thinking that and maybe this is why I can’t naturally be a mom, because who even has thoughts like this? I’m obviously being punished.

Add that to trying to help R cope with his infertility centered around low sperm count and I have nothing left to hold me together. And I wonder why does it have to be so hard? Why can that couple over there who are irresponsible and unable to care for a child so easily have one, while I stand her desperate, unable to do so? What have I done wrong in this life or past lives that has led the universe to punish me so drastically? How can I fix it? infertility11

And then thoughts of how selfish I’m being come into play. Why spend all this money when there are children in the system that need homes or is it even fair to ask for this? There must be a reason we can’t do it naturally, so is it fair to try to force it?

I’m a jumble of emotions and with my impending cycle coming to an end and that familiar friend visiting, it gets worse and worse. Add that to a friend asking if I’ve considered adoption, which to be fair, is an option on the table, and I’m a miserable mess. Until you’re in a situation where your fertility is questioned, people just don’t understand how much that adoption question hurts.

It’s not that I don’t want to adopt, I do, someday, but for me getting pregnant is beyond wanting to have my own flesh and blood child(ren), I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do! But I want the experience as well. Despite the sickness and the terrible pregnancy Ana is having that I’ve been privy to, I want to be able to do what was supposed to come naturally.

I’m trying to stay positive but I’ll be honest and say that’s never been my forte. In an effort to protect myself I’ve long since adapted the “if it can go wrong, it will go wrong” philosophy so presently I just expect failure, after all that’s the one thing I seem to be good at.

4 Responses to Infertility & Broken Bits of Glass

  1. I can promise you, others just do not get it unless they have been there. It is not selfish to want to do something your body was made to do. You are not being punished for anything.

    I 100% agree with how you feel though. I am at a stage where I hide people on Facebook, even good friends, because it hurts so much to see everyone moving on to this other part of life and creating their families, and here I sit, so many years later, in an empty home with a barren womb. It’s a pain that is completely impossible to describe and only those who have been there will get it.

    The stupid comments will come and as hard as it is you have to either ignore them, or fight back. I typically say something nasty. If someone mentions adoption, especially someone who has children I ask why they didn’t adopt if it seems so important to them. Or I ask them if they truly know how expensive adoption is, and the fact that a round of IVF is cheaper then adoption.
    Angela recently posted… Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness DayMy Profile

    • The friend who mentioned it wasn’t trying to be mean. She is a bit naive to all of it as she just got married and isn’t contemplating children as of yet so I know she wasn’t trying to be offensive when she asked.

      I originally was going to keep all of these entries private and viewable to a specific group but I realized that there are probably others out there like us who need that support, so here I am baring my soul, despite the fact that that’s hard for me.

      We have our first appointment with the RE in December since I’m leaving Saturday for 3 weeks to visit Jenn and we’ll see what he says. R’s been making a HUGE effort in losing weight and is down 10lbs, I just hope it makes a difference biologically.

      I wonder if anyone will get tired of me talking about this but at this point I just don’t care. It’s not like it’s going away, you know?
      Ang recently posted… Infertility Journals: All I Want For SolsticeMy Profile

      • The reason I don’t post anymore is that all I think about, post about, research, etc is my IF. But it’s a really big deal. I need and want to post more, but I worry that it doesn’t help? I don’t know. All I do know is that I ignored it for years and now it is all consuming. I think alot of it has to do with how down to the wire I am getting age wise =(.
        Angela recently posted… Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness DayMy Profile

  2. I am so sorry about your news. We haven’t been diagnosed yet, but the hubby and I are pretty sure we’re both infertile as well. I ask the same questions about the irresponsible parents having kids all the time.. it just isn’t fair. I know these feels 100% and you have my condolences.

    I know advice is the last thing you want to hear right now, but keep your chin up. My mom wasn’t supposed to have kids, and I’m here! :)
    Andrea recently posted… On the HuntMy Profile

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