Yesterday, I went in to see my gynecologist and she delivered news that broke my heart. I knew it was coming but to have it said aloud, well, it just really cemented our path and I’ll admit I cried.
We have officially been referred to a reproductive endocrinologist to help set up a game plan due to our infertility. I know it’s not the end of the world, logically I know this, but emotionally, I’m wrecked and I keep wondering if it’s even worth it and then I think I’m terrible for even thinking that and maybe this is why I can’t naturally be a mom, because who even has thoughts like this? I’m obviously being punished.
Add that to trying to help R cope with his infertility centered around low sperm count and I have nothing left to hold me together. And I wonder why does it have to be so hard? Why can that couple over there who are irresponsible and unable to care for a child so easily have one, while I stand her desperate, unable to do so? What have I done wrong in this life or past lives that has led the universe to punish me so drastically? How can I fix it?
And then thoughts of how selfish I’m being come into play. Why spend all this money when there are children in the system that need homes or is it even fair to ask for this? There must be a reason we can’t do it naturally, so is it fair to try to force it?
I’m a jumble of emotions and with my impending cycle coming to an end and that familiar friend visiting, it gets worse and worse. Add that to a friend asking if I’ve considered adoption, which to be fair, is an option on the table, and I’m a miserable mess. Until you’re in a situation where your fertility is questioned, people just don’t understand how much that adoption question hurts.
It’s not that I don’t want to adopt, I do, someday, but for me getting pregnant is beyond wanting to have my own flesh and blood child(ren), I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do! But I want the experience as well. Despite the sickness and the terrible pregnancy Ana is having that I’ve been privy to, I want to be able to do what was supposed to come naturally.
I’m trying to stay positive but I’ll be honest and say that’s never been my forte. In an effort to protect myself I’ve long since adapted the “if it can go wrong, it will go wrong” philosophy so presently I just expect failure, after all that’s the one thing I seem to be good at.