I’ve been fairly absent other than the link up that’s being going on every Tuesday. Some of that is a result of decluttering and the other is just dealing with the journey we’re about to start.
In November, while infertility was a topic and a word that was thrown around, it still for the most part, wasn’t a reality. I left for Texas and was surrounded by my bestie and her kids and I didn’t really have to deal with that topic and all it encompassed. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I can’t be around kids but I have a feeling the further we get into this journey, the harder it’s going to be to swallow the parents and the children that surround my family and friends. I’m happy for them, I wish them well, but I know that at the end of it all, I’ll look at my empty home and know something’s missing.
Well, now I’m back home and the reality of it all is just now sinking in, and despite my best efforts to act like I’m strong, unfazed, the truth is, there are days when I wonder why I even bother. I obviously fail at life so why am I here? What is my purpose?
I’ve started school which has helped to distract me and I’m actively seeking employment which while I know is the best thing because, 1, it’ll make treatments more affordable, and 2, it’ll give me another distraction, I also know it’s the worse thing because it means having to deal with my “bad days” in front of other people. It means having to smile and laugh when inside I’m dying.
I wish I could say I had it in me to be positive but the truth is, I don’t even have that. It’s going to cost us $1,000 per cycle for the cheapest assisted reproductive technology and the most effective is of course at least $15,000 if not more, depending on all that we need. I can’t even contemplate how we will even begin to afford this so I’ve built up a wall with the expectation that we won’t have kids—at least not if oral + IUI doesn’t work. It’s not what he wants but I have to be realistic. We have to be realistic.
I’ve grown up around disappointment. It’s been the reoccurring theme in my life, so really what’s one more?