Many men who meet me are instantly attracted to my no bullshit, honest attitude. I can troll just as easily as they can and they appreciate being able to have a female among them that is not easily offended or overly sensitive. A lot of men tell R he is lucky to have me but quite honestly when you get right down to the grit of it, I am the lucky one.
The Truth Is…
I am not an easy person to love.
I am stubborn, bullheaded, and uncompromising. I can be emotional, illogical, and irrational. I am, on my best days, my own worst enemy.
I have more flaws then I’d like to admit and even more idiosyncrasies that make caring about me, loving me, an impossible task, and yet despite all that R continues to see something worthy in me, something I doubt I will ever understand.
As with everyone, I have my fair share of bad days, though lately there have been more than fewer and far between. I struggle to find value in myself when despite the fact I’ve been married nearly a decade, friends who recently just got married are having children and seem to have direction in their life; yet here I sit, a full-time student at 28, no kids, no job (starts Monday), and no real way to find meaning beyond being a wife.
I love my husband and while there are times when being a wife is challenging, I do love being his wife. Still, while being a husband is certainly a part of him, and he is in the same boat with me in terms of being married nearly a decade and still not having kids, he is able to find direction in his work, while I sit here and whittle away.
And while I understand that having kids is not ultimately what will define me, many people don’t have them and seem to get on just fine, I recognize that it was one of the things early on that I knew would. So here I am freshly 28 wondering what’s left for me if kids are removed from the equation…
I am the lucky one.