I’ve been out of sorts recently and I can feel myself withdrawing in an attempt to try to recharge from the energy that has been consumed in trying to navigate the weary waters of my emotions. I’m quite adept at being empathetic towards others which ends up taking its toll. Combine that with my innate ability to suppress my emotions and all motivation, drive, or desire evaporates into the air, as my mind and body fight to reinstate balance.
In short, I’m not very good with dealing with my emotions so when the wall that I so cleverly built starts to falter, I too suffer as I am overloaded with the things I choose not to feel. And while I understand this is likely not healthy, I’ve not yet had the luxury to deal with it, to fully express my emotions. I’ve always in some way or other been the rock; if I falter than so shall everyone else.
In an effort to distract myself, I’ve taking to catching up on TV shows and picking up new ones, more specifically, The Originals. In some ways, one of the main characters has helped me better understand why it is I don’t often let anyone too close. Despite his atrocious acts, I relate to Niklaus, and I wonder if that means I’m a psychopath or simply misunderstood. I suppose that will remain one of life’s mysteries.
Despite all of this, I am feeling cautiously optimistic, though if I am honest, stupidly optimistic is more of what comes to mind. Niklaus is not the only character I can relate to but also his brother, Elijah, who despite all the disappointments, betrayals, and sabotage continues to hope his brother can be redeemed, and I wonder if I am the same. The fool who continues to hope people can change and there is still meaning behind the word “love”.
I suppose, as with most things, time will tell.