I know this place has gone neglected and I can come up with a bunch of reasons that justify my neglect but at the end of the day none of that really matters. At least not to those who actively keep up with my blog and based on the fact that I have been a pretty terrible blogger, probably not many or any. I wish I could promise that would change but I find that as I get older, it’s harder and harder to find meaning in daily mundane tasks so blogging about it isn’t something I can say I enjoy. But I do miss the days when writing about my day was enough. I miss the days when everything was so much simpler.
R and I started fertility treatments at the end of February and in attempt to separate those ramblings from the ones here, I started a blog that specifically covers that journey and migrated all posts pertaining to trying to conceive there as well. I’m trying not to get caught up in fertility treatments and trying my hardest to prevent that journey from becoming all-consuming. I’m trying to find a life outside of the treatments because if I don’t, it will inevitably swallow me whole and if I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure it hasn’t already.
I’ve stopped doing a lot of the things I enjoy. I haven’t played a video game in several months now, I’m loathe to say probably more than a year at this point. I know GASP! And we all know how the blogging is going, as in it’s not. I have to make myself, my hobbies, and the things I enjoy a priority, but it’s so hard when there is so much going on that my needs and my wants are superseded. I really can’t blame that on anyone else but me and my incessant need to control everything around me.
This month in particular has been hard. I feel like if it could go wrong, it did. I had my first pregnancy which resulted in a chemical pregnancy and R was admitted to the hospital for severe chest pains the same day we found out that the embryo that had been implanted probably wouldn’t make it. I don’t think I’ve really come to terms with that loss. Instead, I lost myself in R’s recovery and pushed aside the pain that dwelling would have caused. I did what I do best, pushed down my emotions and feelings to support and be there for the ones that need it the most. I’m also not blind to the fact that eventually, it will resurface but I’ll take whatever solace I can find and go on pretending that everything is okay and therefore so am I.
Next month I hope to focus a little more on myself. I am going to sit down and play some games, read a little, and do the things that I enjoy. I have not only neglected this place but also myself and it’s high time I spend a little time taking care of myself because despite what I might feel or think, I matter too.
When’s the last time you did something for you?