Monthly Archives: April 2015

I Matter Too

I know this place has gone neglected and I can come up with a bunch of reasons that justify my neglect but at the end of the day none of that really matters. At least not to those who actively keep up with my blog and based on the fact that I have been a pretty terrible blogger, probably not many or any. I wish I could promise that would change but I find that as I get older, it’s harder and harder to find meaning in daily mundane tasks so blogging about it isn’t something I can say I enjoy. But I do miss the days when writing about my day was enough. I miss the days when everything was so much simpler.

R and I started fertility treatments at the end of February and in attempt to separate those ramblings from the ones here, I started a blog that specifically covers that journey and migrated all posts pertaining to trying to conceive there as well. I’m trying not to get caught up in fertility treatments and trying my hardest to prevent that journey from becoming all-consuming. I’m trying to find a life outside of the treatments because if I don’t, it will inevitably swallow me whole and if I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure it hasn’t already. I Matter Too

I’ve stopped doing a lot of the things I enjoy. I haven’t played a video game in several months now, I’m loathe to say probably more than a year at this point. I know GASP! And we all know how the blogging is going, as in it’s not. I have to make myself, my hobbies, and the things I enjoy a priority, but it’s so hard when there is so much going on that my needs and my wants are superseded. I really can’t blame that on anyone else but me and my incessant need to control everything around me.

This month in particular has been hard. I feel like if it could go wrong, it did. I had my first pregnancy which resulted in a chemical pregnancy and R was admitted to the hospital for severe chest pains the same day we found out that the embryo that had been implanted probably wouldn’t make it. I don’t think I’ve really come to terms with that loss. Instead, I lost myself in R’s recovery and pushed aside the pain that dwelling would have caused. I did what I do best, pushed down my emotions and feelings to support and be there for the ones that need it the most. I’m also not blind to the fact that eventually, it will resurface but I’ll take whatever solace I can find and go on pretending that everything is okay and therefore so am I.

Next month I hope to focus a little more on myself. I am going to sit down and play some games, read a little, and do the things that I enjoy. I have not only neglected this place but also myself and it’s high time I spend a little time taking care of myself because despite what I might feel or think, I matter too.

When’s the last time you did something for you?

And the Results Are…

I did a pretty good job of avoiding pregnancy tests prior to our first beta. In fact I was fairly calm this entire cycle and unlike what I expected, my anxiety remained very low. I’m not sure why but I suppose subconsciously I knew there wasn’t much else I could do. Either it worked or it didn’t.

Funnily enough the Sunday prior to the week we were to go in for our first beta my PC started to act up. It stopped booting and R was out so I couldn’t have him look at it. As a result, I got bored and decided to pee on a stick. At this point I was 5dp5dt but a very, very, very faint line appeared. In fact, I didn’t believe what I was seeing. I messaged Angela on FB and asked her if I was seeing things. She responded by saying she did see the line and for a few seconds I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to hope, it was still too soon but after that day, I started peeing on sticks two times a day and each time it came up positive, deep down, despite the fact I tried very hard to keep realistic expectations, I had hope.

The day our first beta test arrived, I was still pretty calm. All of my pregnancy tests were still coming up as positive but this was the day when I’d get a realistic idea of whether the pregnancy would be viable and the waiting was torture. I went into work that day which was a stupid move on my part1 and I get the call around 1:00pm from my doctor who confirmed I was in fact pregnant, but my beta HCG was at a 32 when ideally they’d have loved to see it at 40-50. Despite his reassurance that the first number generally didn’t mean anything and what they were ultimately looking for was the number to double every other day, I still ended up trying to fight back tears. The pessimist in me immediately jumped to worse case scenario and I realized going into work on beta day was a bad idea.

There were many individuals in my support groups who tried to further reassure me by sharing their success stories with lower betas or betas around the same level as mine but I couldn’t allow myself to hope anymore; the one constant I can always be sure of is Murphy’s Law so I started to build my defensives for the news I was sure we would get. Meanwhile R held on to the hope that everything would be okay.

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  1. Lesson learned