Monthly Archives: August 2015

Every Man Winds Up With The Horse That Suits Him

Apparently the only way to get me to blog with some regularity is to put me in a place where there’s nowhere for me to go and not much for me to do.

See, in flight, on the way to Seattle.

And the cursor blinks endlessly as I try to think of something to type.. anything beyond the I did this or this is what’s going on, that is so typical of a lifestyle blogger.

At least this lifestyle blogger.

It’s strange that years ago I had no problems blogging about things that were near and dear to me, yet as I grow older I find I’m a little more hesitant and not as willing to open up. While once upon a time, I’d blog about my marriage or relationship with a bat of an eye, I feel now as if I am being disrespectful if I do. I suppose thats a good thing to some people but it makes it incredibly hard to find something to blog about when the majority of your life has been cut from prompt possbilities.

I guess I really need to sit down and ask R how he feels about it. If he’s okay being a character on my blog when he’s such a big one in my life. Once upon a time, I’d never imagined receiving permission but I guess love, real love makes you do the wacky.

Alecia and I have been talking on a regular basis now which is strange because we tend to do this on and off thing, where we talk and then don’t for months on end, lol. I think part of that was finding and redefining our friendship after, the Bestie Break Up of 2007, both of which we had a part in, but a lot of it had to do with a certain ex that did his damnedest to separate us and in the end it worked. I think for both of us, there were a lot of lessons learned, about ourselves and each other. Communication between the two us was, well to put it bluntly, shit, and as a result the friendship imploded and we both did the ‘let’s find ourselves’ for about 3 years. She learned more about herself as an individual and I learned to rediscover the person I’d lost after being in a relationship for several years and then getting married. It was a long time coming for the both of us and something we both desperately needed. lost

There were some days during those 3 years, where we’d learned to live without, the other that I missed our friendship, though back then I’d never would have admitted it, to anyone. She was one of the few, earlier on, that understood my humor and sarcasm and was able to match it with some of her own. As I get older, I realize people like that are harder and harder to find.

It’s a bit strange that we may be coming full circle again, but I wonder if somehow, we were always meant to find our way back to each other1. There’s some talk about her, her fiance, and daughter moving out to Arizona as soon as the end of the year.

I am excited because so few people understand that my escape is the online world and that to me, is doing something social. I’ve grown up with too many people thinking I should put myself out there, get out of the house, do something other then just sit there, because there was no understanding or attempt at understanding that being glued to my computer monitor, was me doing something, and Alecia is one of the very few people who gets that.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do still go out on occasion and do things outside of the house but I have a very low tolerance level for outdoor activity. To add to that, I’m also very particular about who I do things with, where, and how. There are not many people I can stand to go out to the movies, a concert, or hell, even Walmart with. Alecia has always been on the list of the few that I can, so I’m excited to have someone around that I can do those things with again. Everything is still in the planning stages but it’s something to hope for at least and minus the sports or MMA fights that her fiance is into, I think he and R have a bit in common that should tide them over while we are out doing things and even if they don’t, they can figure it out. Big boys and all that2.

And now that I’ve created a blog that essentially glorifies Alecia, I’m going to find something else to occupy my time.

P.S

Having WiFi available on a flight is dangerous. It means I can do stupid things like shop.

Sorry babe3.

  1. G-d that was sappy. My apologies.
  2. Well, you’d think.
  3. Not really.

Apathy: A Sort of Living Oblivion

The past couple of weeks have been interesting to say the least, filled with anxiety, depression, and hope.

I know.

It’s a weird combination.

And yet, that’s exactly how life has been of late. Walking on eggshells, tip toeing through a field of mines, hoping that I’ll make it out.

I’d be lying if I said I have.

I have not.

I’ve spent a fair majority of my time finding ways to pre-occupy myself so I don’t drive myself crazier than I already have. I can’t say those attempts have been successful but they haven’t completely failed, so I suppose that’s something. 606576

The constant stress and worrying has reflected in my inability to sleep for more then a few hours at a time. Something I do plan to discuss with my doctor. I know it’s not healthy and yet I’m struggling to break myself out of the habit, with little success (see the time of this blog).

The struggle to get out of bed is a real one. One I face most every day and one that I usually lose. But still the mantra of “Tomorrow.” repeats in my head but still the next day brings no change and so the cycle continues.

I’ve been spending an exorbitant amount of time on Vicarious which is great for the community but doesn’t elicit any desire or motivation for me to do more. I have a long list of things on my todo list but am too apathetic to do much about it.

My normal compulsions aren’t pressing on me as they typically do, which I suppose is a good thing, but it’s doing nothing for the state of my house or, if I’m honest, my wellbeing. I should probably go talk to someone but again, that falls squarely into the “Can’t Be Bothered” category.

Here’s to hoping that tomorrow, I might actually care.

I won’t.

The One Where She Fails At Life

So my attempt to set up some type of blogging schedule completely failed. Namely because with work and school, mostly work, any motivation to do anything beyond eating and sleeping flew away like that damn car in the Harry Potter novels. More than a bit like it actually. It pretty much embodied everything about that car. The erratic flight pattern in which there were instances when motivation would strike but then just as quickly fly away.

I figured my best bet was to roll with it and not force it. I mean, who wants to read a blog that’s clearly been forced? I know I don’t. I figured I’d show some kindness and not inflict that pain on the few people who still stop by, because you know, I’m nice like that. Well, mostly.

Life hasn’t really deviated much from the eat, work, sleep routine, unless you count my completely neglecting anything related to school. It seems that damn car just keeps making its rounds. I’m hoping to get a little more motivation and plan on stopping by Target or some equally cute notebook having store where I can stock up and start reading and taking notes. The class isn’t difficult, I’m familiar with the content because I lived it, I just need to get familiar with the terminology and the stages. Of course it would help if I actually did something. I’m hoping to remedy that so my next call with my mentor will be of the “I’m amazing.” variety and not the “I fail at life and I’m a useless human being.” kind. We’ll see if I’m successful, though I’m not holding my breath.

Old On a less real life note, after months of neglect and distance, some of us1 got it into our minds to try and revive Vicarious. Yes, I know, message boards are a dying art, but we’re stubborn and keep trying. I have no idea why other than a sad attempt to relive our glory days and maybe ignore the fact that we’re old.

None of us are quite willing to embrace it, however, and that tends to lead to nights of drunken debauchery, where we end up cursing ourselves in the morning.

Let’s face it, we do not bounce back like we used to. Half a day of recovery has now become a 2-day recovery, if you’re lucky. Generally, if I’m honest, we’re looking at 3 days and that just doesn’t make the one night worth it anymore. Hell, it stopped being worth it once we surpassed the 1-day threshold but we’re still desperately clinging to our youth, or what’s left of it.

Laugh all you want, you’ll be here soon, and then very quickly you will understand and curse the day you laughed at us old folk. Meanwhile, we’ll be old, miserable and cursing your existence. Oh, who am I kidding, we do that now; the cursing your existence part, not being old and miserable, at least not yet.

Now that I have, to my mind, created a sufficient blog, with all the appropriate “I fail at life”, “This is what I’ve been up to”, and “This is what I am up to” segments, I’m going to putter off and pretend to do something as equally productive. Though, let’s be honest, I’m probably just going to take a nap and pretend that I actually did something meaningful today.

Us, old folk tire much more easily so it’s not wonder we can’t actually get anything done.