This post has been a long time coming but with everything that’s been going on, R’s health issues, death in the family, Thanksgiving, etc. it’s not been high on the priority list. I spent the whole of November getting the house in order for Thanksgiving which included dinner for 21 people and absolutely 0 time on my desktop. In short, life has been insane.
As many of you know, R and I have been actively going through fertility treatments, specifically IVF to try to conceive. We both have our own share of issues but it was mainly MFI due to low sperm count, testosterone issues, and mild retrograde ejaculation. Basically, it means we CAN get pregnant but it would be immensely difficult for us to do so.
2014 was the year all of this was discovered as we finally had insurance that covered treatment and it took us the whole of the year to truly process the information. I had always suspected something must be wrong, nearly 10 years together without a single pregnancy is kind of indicative of that, but it wasn’t until I stopped menstruating for 3 months, with every test popping up negative when we decided it was time to find out for sure. All I can say for those in similar situations, teetering on indecision and fear, the sooner you know, the better. Time is of the essence and contrary to what they would like you to believe, there really isn’t enough of it.
We took a break in 2014 after discovering our issues and didn’t resume treatment until the beginning of this year. We went through a fresh cycle at the end of March which resulted in a chemical pregnancy and then R ended up back in the hospital for pericarditis which left very little time to process or deal with the loss, though on some level I understood that these things happen, and nature did what it was meant to, terminate a pregnancy that would not be viable.
Despite all that, we decided to jump right into our next cycle under the premise that if necessary, we would stop the cycle since all of our embryos are frozen and there was no obligation to continue since they did not have me on stims. It wasn’t something we shared with anyone. We kept it to ourselves because we didn’t know what would happen, whether this round would be successful, and honestly the stress of so many people wanting to know everything but not necessarily willing to understand the process was too much for both of us. As much as I wanted to be open and honest about our journey, and while I tried to some extent, I wasn’t successfully in continuing and I learned that I’m perfectly okay with that.