Monthly Archives: March 2016

On Being Necessarily Selfish

On Being Necessarily Selfish

The past couple of weeks have been quite trying. It’s been a wonder that we’ve kept our sanity. Tempe has been having some really bad gas issues of late that it’s resulted in continued screaming, fussiness, and inability to sleep. For a time gas drops worked in soothing her but even that become ineffective and I finally gave in and scheduled an appointment with her pediatrician on Tuesday. In the meantime, we’ve pulled her off breast milk completely and she is currently on Gerber’s hypoallergenic formula, which seems to be helping, but then so did the gas drops so we’re not sure how long that will hold up. I’m hoping indefinitely and as she gets older, we can start to add breast milk back into her diet, but for now we will wait to see what the pediatrician will say.

On top of that, Ty seems to have developed thrush. It doesn’t seem to be bothering him, except he isn’t as willing to take his pacifier, but otherwise he appears fine. I have to call on Monday to see if thy can fit Ty in during Tempe’s exam so he can get a prescription for anti-fungal medication. He is also off breast milk for the time being since it’s an overabundance of antibodies that is causing thrush. Hopefully, we get them all settled in the coming week and their disposition approves.

sometimes-i-forget-putting-myself-first-isnt-being-selfish-quote-1 We are also currently in the midst of trying out a feeding schedule for the sprats. We’re still adjusting to make it work for us but once my mother-in-law leaves, that means we’ll have both babies at night and if they’re not on some sort of schedule that would leave us open to being up all night if one baby is consistently waking up while the other sleeps, or if they’re just waking up at different times from the other. So far it’s been challenging but we’re determined to make it work and stick with it. Funnily enough, I don’t have the “can’t stand to listen to a baby screaming” response, which I think is partly because I don’t have a choice, when there’s only one of us, one of them will have to cry as the other is being tended to.

Other than that, my life has essentially just been all about the babies. I’ve tried to take some time to myself but find it difficult to do so and feel guilty when I leave the tending to my mother-in-law and R. I think R and I should discuss times when he’ll have time to play and when I will, because as it stands he gets most of it and I start to feel a little resentful. It’s not his fault, he helps A LOT, but it happens nonetheless.

For those with partners, what did you find worked best for you when trying to balance your time alone, time together, and time spent taking care of the kids?

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

As much as I wanted to stay committed to 365 Days of Blogging, I recognized that with two newborns it just wasn’t feasible. My last post, while true, Community is an awesome show, was simply filler and that’s when I decided it was time to stop trying to force myself to blog every day. I feel better for it and now I can focus on my family at night without feeling rushed into having to post a blog. I went a full 2 months blogging every day; blogging with substance every day so I call that a win in my book. Maybe next year, I’ll be able to stick to my goal but for now blogging every day is no longer a priority.

Exclusively pumping has been going well. My supply has been increasing every day, though I have changed my schedule from pumping every 2 hours to every 3, which means I lose one of my pumps during the day. I am monitoring it to see if it impacts my supply and if it does then I’ll have to go back to 2 hours a day. I’m really hoping that won’t be the case. It has been so nice today to go 3 hours between pump times but we’ll have to see. It also allowed me to spend some time with R during the day, who was really missing me so I’m crossing my fingers that the change won’t impact my supply. It would do wonders for all of us I’m sure. times

Speaking of wonders; I had a conversation with R the other day letting him know that he is going to have to be very understanding of my need to have my alone time, more so now than ever before. I not only have two babies that depend on me and need mommy but I also have a husband who’s always been very needy and clingy, and while that was fine when it was just the two of us, now, it’s really draining me emotionally and physically. I asked him not to be offended, just to understand that as an introvert, the way I recharge my batteries is by being by myself. I need the alone time to take care of me. I think he understood and if not, we can definitely discuss it further.

I’ve been thinking about life lately and I think I may end up going back into management. It’s not something I considered before, but given our present predicament, it’s something I have to consider for our family. I haven’t talked to R about it yet, namely because it’s just something I started to think about and also because I know he will consider it a personal failing on his part when it’s not. We are both equally responsible for providing for our family and as much as we both wanted to avoid the kids being raised by strangers, it’s a luxury we are no longer afforded so it’s time to put on the big girl panties, no matter how much it kills me to do it.

Maybe, I’m not such a terrible mom after all.



So this show has been recommended to us by my brother-in-law and we just got around to watching it tonight. It is HILARIOUS. We were seriously dying as we watched it, lol. For those who are wondering what it’s about:

A suspended lawyer is forced to enroll in a community college with an eclectic staff and student body.

There’s more to it then that but basically it makes fun of community colleges and the fact that no one really learns anything and it talks about the type of people in community college. It’s definitely worth watching if you haven’t and can be found on Hulu!


If you do watch it, please let me know what you think.

A Birth Story: My Body’s Rebellion

As much as I’d love to say that being 5cm dilated and 100% effaced, meant that labor started to progress fairly quickly, that’s would be a lie. While it allowed the doctors to increase the dose of pitocin, in hopes it would speed up labor, it did no such thing.

Instead, I caved and asked for them to administer the epidural, which, contrary to what they tell you, does not feel like a bee sting, unless bee stings really fucking hurt in which case, then yes, it most certainly does. I’ve never had one, so I can’t be sure.

After the epidural was administered, I felt like something was off. My sister and others who’d gone through labor described it as not having any sensation from their hips down to their feet and that was definitely not the case with me. I just assumed however, that perhaps I was having a different reaction as is usually the case. I should have figured something was wrong when the Resident who came to check on my dilation was surprised at my ability to pull my legs up, but still I dismissed it and tried to get some sleep.

I probably lasted about 30-45 minutes before the increased dose of pitocin kicked in and I started to really feel the contractions. Contractions, that woke me up due to the severity and the pain that had overcome my body. It was then that I knew something was wrong and had Robby page the nurse.

The nurse in turn paged the group the anesthesiologist and after several minutes of holding Robby’s hand as I tried to breathe through the contractions, someone showed up in our room to check on me.

It turns out, the epidural slipped out of my back and all of the medication was just seeping into my skin rather than my spine. There was nothing that was targeting the correct nerves to alievate the pain and so once again, I had to go through the procedure of having the epidural removed and then reinserted and I still attest that it does not feel like a damn bee sting, thought admittedly it hurt much less. That could be from the medication that was speeing into my skin or that I was dilarious with pain, but it certainly felt a lot less uncomfortable. I’ll take my blessings where I can get them, thanks.

whentogivebirth After the epidural was inserted, they tested it to ensure it was inserted correctly by pushing a dose into the line. I immediately noticed a difference. Within seconds my legs started to go numb and as my sister and others had told me prior, I was not able to feel anything from my legs down. Finally, blessed relief.

After they fixed the epidural, I went back to a drug induced sleep for maybe 2-3 hours, until once again I was ripped from my dreams due to sear agony. I could once again feel the contractions and was one more able to move my legs. I sought, comfort, however fruitless in squeezing Robby’s hand, as we waited for them to once again have someone come in to check on my epidural. It seemed like the minutes stretched on and I begged Robby to page the nurse and ask if they could give me anything in the meantime. The answer was a resounding no. I was too far along and they didn’t want to give me something that would assuredly knock me out and prevent my ability to push, so I waited, curled on my side, wishing it would stop. Finally, after what seemed like hours, the anesthesiologist appeared in my room and discovered the IV bag with the medication that was supposed to be delivered through the line in my back, was left off, hence the excruciating pain.

By this point, I was exhausted and just let them get on with once again fixing the error. The anesthesiologist who removed the epidural and reinserted it decided to mention that I likely had arthritis in my back and that when I got older it was likely going to be an issue. Gee, thanks sir. That’s exactly what I needed to hear when I’m half dead from lack of sleep and my body is rebelling at all the attempts to alleviate the pain. Seriously, thank you.

Finally, the epidural was reset, the IV bag checked to ensure medication was flowing, and I was once again able to drift off to sleep, though, you guessed it, that didn’t last long. Once again, I was jarred awake due to agonizing pain and once again Robby had to page the nurse. This time however when the anesthesiologist stopped by to check on me, everything was fine. The line was flowing, the needle was where it needed to be, my body merely decided that an epidural that should have lasted me several hours, would barely last me 2. Per my request the anesthesiologist topped me off (pushed another round directly into the IV) and I was once again able to drift off to sleep.

I was in and out of consciousness for several hours, and at one point my OB stopped in to check on my dilation. He advised was nearly there but not quite at 10cm, so we needed to wait a little bit longer. After he left, I promptly fell back to sleep, and after what I can only imagine was about 30-45 minutes, I was jolted away by a sudden need to push. I felt like I had to shit my pants and I told Robby he needed to page the doctor, because I thought I was ready. The pressure was unbearable and it took everything in me to NOT push, which was also about the time I realized that once again, the epidural had run out.

My OB arrived, did a quick check of dilation and confirmed that I was right. I was 10cm dilated and it was go time.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion but also so quickly that it was hard to keep up. They helped move me from the bed I was on to a gurney and made Robby put on scrubs as they all prepared to wheel me out and into the operating room…

to be continued…

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Think I Can

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Think I Can

I guess I was too quick in jumping the gun in regards to my supply issue. I guess I’m actually right on track to where I should be and my supply will continue to gradually grow as the weeks go on. This makes me feel A LOT better. I was contemplating giving up so I’m glad I asked the ladies in my exclusively pumping group for letting me know, I am doing what I should be doing and that my supply will continue to grow. It definitely makes the lack of sleep and the lack of real time to myself that much more worth it and today, I did see a much larger increase in my output. quotescover-JPG-12 I don’t know if this is because I’ve added a new supplement, Gaia Lactation pills or if it’s because I’m trying my best not to stress so much. Either way, I was surprised to see the increase as I thought it would be a marginal bump at best.

So right now the plan is to stay the course and continue with the way I am currently pumping but to throw in at least one power pump every 2-3 days to mimic a baby’s cluster feeding during a growth spurt. What makes this so hard is that I have two that I need to build my supply for instead of one but I am determined to make this work. I was hoping to potentially be a oversupplier so I could start to decrease my pumps per day but we will have to see what happens. What I do know is I need to stop obsessing over the numbers and just focus on the routine of pumping, minding the babies, and trying to get as much sleep as possible, though of course, all of that is much easier said than done.

At the end of the day though, I can only do so much so I have to focus on the strides I have made and let the rest fall into place. Here’s to hoping I can.