Well, my sleep schedule is officially shot to hell. The further along I get in my pregnancy, the more difficult it is finding a comfortable position to sleep when there are eight appendages that manage to find every which way to punch, kick, or elbow me during the night. On top of that is the upper back pain which I cannot find any reprieve from unless I pop 1000mgs of Tylenol which I hate doing. Yes, I know that Tylenol is okay to take during pregnancy, but I imagine it’s not something that’s being done on a consistent basis. It’s helping for now but when I see my OB next week I plan to ask him if there’s anything else I can do to manage the pain.
I tried going to sleep around eight-thirty last night and I was successful for about an hour. I ended up waking up right around ten o’clock and then I wasn’t able to fall asleep until four-forty in the morning due to the back pain I was experiencing. I finally gave in and took Tylenol and then about 45 minutes later my body gave up on existence and I was out.
I got up around 8 or 9 to use the bathroom and then proceeded to pass out until noon, so yes my schedule is completely screwed up which means I’m not getting as much done which means my planner’s effectiveness has dwindled and I haven’t accomplished as much as I’ve wanted with the goals I’ve set for myself.
Tonight, I’m going to try my darndest to reset my schedule so I can actually get some stuff done but we will see how it goes. Right now sleep sounds amazing but it’s only seven-thirty and I have yet to eat so I’m holding off because I know if I sleep now, I’ll be up later this evening and the cycle will just continue.
Here’s to hoping I am successful, maybe then my blogs won’t be filled with the drab of my everyday life.
One can only hope.
Well, I’m just going to start this blog post off with a big “FUCK!” I managed to do something somewhat productive today and record a video for my YouTube channel and was just about to start rendering when Premier decide to crash. Suffice to say, I said fuck it and decided I’ll work on it tomorrow. There go my plans for this blog post. -grumbles-
I have been doing a bit more in terms of my online activities and trying to get the projects that I keep saying I want to do off the ground. The first step was getting my OBS1 settings figured out, so when I stream it doesn’t look like absolutely shit. I feel like I’ve gotten a hold on it but I’ve only tried one game so I want to test it out with another and see how it fares. After that I’ll move on to the overlay, which admittedly I am NOT looking forward to.
Once that’s completed, my focus is going to shift to Geek Inside Us; a collaborative geek blog that I’ve had for several years but have put minimal effort into. I really would like to see it get off the ground and actually become something so I’m going to start by fully immersing myself into all things geek and not just the things I find interesting. Afterwards, I’m going to try to pull in some new writers and set up a schedule so we have consistently new content. It’s not going to be easy but I think ultimately it’ll be a hell of a lot of fun. If you’re interested in becoming a writer (yes, your blog, networks, etc. will be linked), just shoot me an email.
As for the rest of the goals, I managed to make progress by having a Skype video call with Jenn and I initiated it! She and I used to have daily video chats years ago but then we got old and life become more about adulting, plus she moved to an area where the internet was less than ideal, so we stopped. I’m hoping that we’ll both be able to make a little more time to do it more often but we will have to see. She is literally raising a farm so her time is just as limited as mine. Still, I’m fairly proud of myself for reaching out, I’m hoping I’m able to keep it up.
I’m still trying to sort out how I want to handle the rest of my goals but for now, baby steps.
So my attempt to set up some type of blogging schedule completely failed. Namely because with work and school, mostly work, any motivation to do anything beyond eating and sleeping flew away like that damn car in the Harry Potter novels. More than a bit like it actually. It pretty much embodied everything about that car. The erratic flight pattern in which there were instances when motivation would strike but then just as quickly fly away.
I figured my best bet was to roll with it and not force it. I mean, who wants to read a blog that’s clearly been forced? I know I don’t. I figured I’d show some kindness and not inflict that pain on the few people who still stop by, because you know, I’m nice like that. Well, mostly.
Life hasn’t really deviated much from the eat, work, sleep routine, unless you count my completely neglecting anything related to school. It seems that damn car just keeps making its rounds. I’m hoping to get a little more motivation and plan on stopping by Target or some equally cute notebook having store where I can stock up and start reading and taking notes. The class isn’t difficult, I’m familiar with the content because I lived it, I just need to get familiar with the terminology and the stages. Of course it would help if I actually did something. I’m hoping to remedy that so my next call with my mentor will be of the “I’m amazing.” variety and not the “I fail at life and I’m a useless human being.” kind. We’ll see if I’m successful, though I’m not holding my breath.
On a less real life note, after months of neglect and distance, some of us1 got it into our minds to try and revive Vicarious. Yes, I know, message boards are a dying art, but we’re stubborn and keep trying. I have no idea why other than a sad attempt to relive our glory days and maybe ignore the fact that we’re old.
None of us are quite willing to embrace it, however, and that tends to lead to nights of drunken debauchery, where we end up cursing ourselves in the morning.
Let’s face it, we do not bounce back like we used to. Half a day of recovery has now become a 2-day recovery, if you’re lucky. Generally, if I’m honest, we’re looking at 3 days and that just doesn’t make the one night worth it anymore. Hell, it stopped being worth it once we surpassed the 1-day threshold but we’re still desperately clinging to our youth, or what’s left of it.
Laugh all you want, you’ll be here soon, and then very quickly you will understand and curse the day you laughed at us old folk. Meanwhile, we’ll be old, miserable and cursing your existence. Oh, who am I kidding, we do that now; the cursing your existence part, not being old and miserable, at least not yet.
Now that I have, to my mind, created a sufficient blog, with all the appropriate “I fail at life”, “This is what I’ve been up to”, and “This is what I am up to” segments, I’m going to putter off and pretend to do something as equally productive. Though, let’s be honest, I’m probably just going to take a nap and pretend that I actually did something meaningful today.
Us, old folk tire much more easily so it’s not wonder we can’t actually get anything done.
I know this place has gone neglected and I can come up with a bunch of reasons that justify my neglect but at the end of the day none of that really matters. At least not to those who actively keep up with my blog and based on the fact that I have been a pretty terrible blogger, probably not many or any. I wish I could promise that would change but I find that as I get older, it’s harder and harder to find meaning in daily mundane tasks so blogging about it isn’t something I can say I enjoy. But I do miss the days when writing about my day was enough. I miss the days when everything was so much simpler.
R and I started fertility treatments at the end of February and in attempt to separate those ramblings from the ones here, I started a blog that specifically covers that journey and migrated all posts pertaining to trying to conceive there as well. I’m trying not to get caught up in fertility treatments and trying my hardest to prevent that journey from becoming all-consuming. I’m trying to find a life outside of the treatments because if I don’t, it will inevitably swallow me whole and if I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure it hasn’t already.
I’ve stopped doing a lot of the things I enjoy. I haven’t played a video game in several months now, I’m loathe to say probably more than a year at this point. I know GASP! And we all know how the blogging is going, as in it’s not. I have to make myself, my hobbies, and the things I enjoy a priority, but it’s so hard when there is so much going on that my needs and my wants are superseded. I really can’t blame that on anyone else but me and my incessant need to control everything around me.
This month in particular has been hard. I feel like if it could go wrong, it did. I had my first pregnancy which resulted in a chemical pregnancy and R was admitted to the hospital for severe chest pains the same day we found out that the embryo that had been implanted probably wouldn’t make it. I don’t think I’ve really come to terms with that loss. Instead, I lost myself in R’s recovery and pushed aside the pain that dwelling would have caused. I did what I do best, pushed down my emotions and feelings to support and be there for the ones that need it the most. I’m also not blind to the fact that eventually, it will resurface but I’ll take whatever solace I can find and go on pretending that everything is okay and therefore so am I.
Next month I hope to focus a little more on myself. I am going to sit down and play some games, read a little, and do the things that I enjoy. I have not only neglected this place but also myself and it’s high time I spend a little time taking care of myself because despite what I might feel or think, I matter too.
When’s the last time you did something for you?