Category Archives: Infertility

Cautiously Optimistic

We official started treatment on February 26th in which I was injecting 10 units of Lupron for 10 days. I didn’t initially have any side effects for the first few days until I was hit by a headache that resulted in my curling up into a fetal position and crying until I passed out. I can say that was not in the least fun and I have made a point to take Tylenol several hours before symptoms would start as it seemed that despite the fact my injections were are night, I would suffer side effects mid-afternoon, excluding waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat1. Eventually, I accumulated and my side effects were rare or not as painful.

March 8 marked the start of stimulations and the lowering of my dosage for Lupron to 5 units. All I can say is ouch. The insertion of the needle is not painful, not in the least. I think to some extent I’ve gotten used to it BUT the medication BURNS. I cannot even describe the pain, it’s something you’d have to experience to understand. Thankfully, Angela has gone through all of this before and informed me that it’s not the needle or the syringe, which is what I thought the issue was initially, but the medication and is often referred to in the IVF community as “stim burn”. Least to say, I have 6 days left and I cannot wait for it to be over.

Yesterday, I went in for my first blood draw to see how I was doing with the stimulations. I received a message from my practice mid-afternoon yesterday, lowering my issue dosage of Folllistim from 175 to 100, so I could only conclude that I was in fact responding better than expected. My hypothesis was confirmed today after an ultrasound with my doctor who stated my estrogen levels were 600 when they ideally want them around 200. I think this may explain the irrational hatred I had earlier this week after receiving an e-mail from my non-manager2.

The ultrasound also revealed several developing follicles, several around 9mm-11mm and a few hovering around 12mm-13mm which is high, given that generally they wait for eggs to be around 16mm. In addition, my endometrium is already at 7.8mm which is generally where they want the lining to be prior to transfer and I’m only 4 days into my stims. My doctor said everything looks very good and I have another blood draw tomorrow and then a follow up ultrasound and blood draw on Sunday. My doctor also informed me that he wouldn’t be surprised if egg retrieval happened a day earlier than the estimated date.

It’s a little surreal at how fast everything is progressing. I’m still trying to remain realistic and not be too optimistic because as I like to say “shit happens.” I’ve managed to stick to no caffeine or alcohol, though I do very much miss having my iced tea, but I know it’s something that has to be done and I am hoping my efforts aren’t in vain.

Overall, we are in a pretty good mindset. Unlike what R expected I haven’t had any emotional outbursts and I’ve been pretty even-tempered through it all, though the nurse he works with assures him that will change. We are not overly hopeful and are tempering our optimism until we can confirm successful conception. I guess time will tell.

  1. Yay, hot flashes!
  2. I refer to her as a non-manager because she is barely communicative.

The Road So Far

It’s be quite sometime since I’ve posted anything in relation to anything infertility related. A large part of that was due to putting treatments on hold in 2014 due to some life changes. 1, being that I resumed working full time, which wasn’t without it’s advantage, my insurance covers some costs for treatment, and 2, purchasing our second home to prevent R from having a 500 mile commute every week for work. Add school work on top of that and treatments were just not high on the priority list.

On January 27, we went back to my RE for a re-consult and he of course gave us our options.

  • IUI
  • IVF

None of this was a surprise as we’d discussed all of this when we first consulted with him but he did stress that based on our history and no pregnancies in nearly 9 years of not actively protecting ourselves, he felt that IVF would be the smartest course. Neither R or I could disagree and so here I am on day 14 of birth control as we try to regulate my cycle before I start injecting myself with hormones to overstimulate my ovaries in the helps we can get a few eggs to fertilize and make for a 5 day transfer. My medication is due to arrival on the 18th and we have injection training on the 23rd in which we will be handing over a check for $6,825 dollars. Yes, you read that right, but let me just reiterate it for good measure

$6,825.

We’re hoping that we are successful in our attempts the first round but I know that nothing is certain. While this is something we both really want, we have to be realistic as well.. even if that realism threatens to break my heart. For now, we will see where this road leads us and take one day at a time, which for anyone who is fighting the same battle, knows that’s extremely hard to do. This journey is not only financially stressful but it’s also physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. I am trying my hardest not to fall into the pit of angry which is so easy to do when it feels like the whole world’s against you, but I know that there is every possibility I will fall down that hole, and I’m just hoping that I’ll have the strength to climb back out.

I guess, as with all things, time will tell.

Only Hearts Can Build A Home

I’ve been meaning to update for a while but have always managed to put it off. Namely because I’ve been gone so long I really didn’t know where to start and I wanted to avoid inflicting word vomit on those of you who still visit regularly.

As you can imagine life of late has been a whirlwind. The move to the new house, work, and start of school has limited my ability to really spend any time online. Moreso, my free time is very limited and whatever free time I have, I tend to spend doing things around the house which wasn’t the case in our old residence. I guess it’s true that you have to love your house to take pride in it and while I liked the other house, I didn’t love it.

Now with our new house, I do love it. So much so that while I was all gun ho and ready to get the hell out of Arizona, I’ve informed R that I am never leaving and I plan to die in this house. I’ve put a lot of hard work and soul into this place in the short time we’ve been here and I can’t imagine just walking away from that. In our old house, the walls were bare and we only painted a few rooms, whereas with this house every room was painted and I’ve not only added artwork but also made the place feel like home, which wasn’t the case in the old house. We still have a lot more to do but we are making progress. It’s slow going but it’s definitely worth it and I can’t wait until it’s all complete.

Here’s a rough list of what we have left to do in no particular order:

    → Decide on a dining room set
    → Decide on the bedroom set we’d like for the guest bedroom and little sister’s bedroom
    → Pick out artwork for our bedroom
    → Finish building out the office
    → Decide on whether we want to put sod in the backyard or plant grass and allow it to grow in
    → Decide on patio set for the backyard
    → Decide on BBQ grill and placement for the built-in BBQ
    → Organize garage and shed
    → Decide on the furniture we’d like in the family room (sectional or regular couch)
    → Decide on what to use to house DVR, XBOX 360, Apple TV, etc
    → Decide on end tables for family room
    → Build out DVD/Blu-Ray shelves
    → Replace the toilets;
    → Visit IKEA to get pricing on cost to build in pantry
    → Decide on architecture for cat highway
    → Decide on shelves and brackets to use for cat highway
    → Set up wall in garden and decide on what to plant

    Read More

Everything

I’ve been fairly absent other than the link up that’s being going on every Tuesday. Some of that is a result of decluttering and the other is just dealing with the journey we’re about to start.

In November, while infertility was a topic and a word that was thrown around, it still for the most part, wasn’t a reality. I left for Texas and was surrounded by my bestie and her kids and I didn’t really have to deal with that topic and all it encompassed. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I can’t be around kids but I have a feeling the further we get into this journey, the harder it’s going to be to swallow the parents and the children that surround my family and friends. I’m happy for them, I wish them well, but I know that at the end of it all, I’ll look at my empty home and know something’s missing.

Well, now I’m back home and the reality of it all is just now sinking in, and despite my best efforts to act like I’m strong, unfazed, the truth is, there are days when I wonder why I even bother. I obviously fail at life so why am I here? What is my purpose?

I’ve started school which has helped to distract me and I’m actively seeking employment which while I know is the best thing because, 1, it’ll make treatments more affordable, and 2, it’ll give me another distraction, I also know it’s the worse thing because it means having to deal with my “bad days” in front of other people. It means having to smile and laugh when inside I’m dying.

I wish I could say I had it in me to be positive but the truth is, I don’t even have that. It’s going to cost us $1,000 per cycle for the cheapest assisted reproductive technology and the most effective is of course at least $15,000 if not more, depending on all that we need. I can’t even contemplate how we will even begin to afford this so I’ve built up a wall with the expectation that we won’t have kids—at least not if oral + IUI doesn’t work. It’s not what he wants but I have to be realistic. We have to be realistic.

I’ve grown up around disappointment. It’s been the reoccurring theme in my life, so really what’s one more?

It’s everything.

Home Away from Home

Well I’ve arrived in Texas safe and sound after almost missing my flight. I literally got to the gate just as they started boarding. That’s a first for me. I’m usually at the gate at least an hour before we take off but on the way out of town I remembered I’d forgotten my thyroid medication so we had to turn back around. Talk about close calls, lol.

After that I got to hang out at the airport for 4 hours because Jenn’s hubby, Jeremiah had work and wasn’t able to get off when he said he would. Jenn felt really bad and thought she was a bad friend but I told her she was being silly. I was fine and it allowed me to get through a book, I’ve meant to finish, so I was perfectly content to hang out. Plus, even if I didn’t have a book, I had my laptop and the airport has free WiFi so it wasn’t a big deal. :)

Texas is like my home away from home. It’s so peaceful out here and plus I really needed to de-stress and this is helping. The kids are adorable as always and it’s crazy to me how big they both are. When I last saw Blake he was still crawling and now he’s walking! And Matthew, big attitude change! It’s so weird. He’s gone from the boy who was all “Look at me, Angie!” to “Meh, Angie’s here, big freaking deal.” Lol. I want both of them to stop growing. I don’t like it. :(

Speaking of kids, my results for my blood work came back and it seems the thyroid meds are helping. All of my levels came back normal so I’ll just keep taking the pills. We have a consultation scheduled at the fertility clinic on Dec 6th and we’ll go from there. I am happy that the pills are working. I don’t know what I would have done if the results came back with levels that were still high. I will say that I had a feeling something was off because of my recent weight gain. I usually stay around 98-101lbs and those 3 months I was hovering around 103-104lbs which isn’t the norm, unless I’m actively trying to gain weight, lol. I guess it’s a lesson learned that I should follow my instincts. As for R, he’s doing great with the weight loss. He’s lost 10lbs already and he is continuing to walk at least 12,000 steps a day, usually more. I am so proud of him.

I’ll be in Texas for the next three weeks hanging with my Jennfur. We’re going to see P!NK in concert and we’re going to try to see Thor as well. I spoiled myself this year and this is my third time visiting so I’m going to be sad when I’m not able to come out as often but Ce la vie. I’m just grateful to be able to see her at all. I missed my bestie and I hate that we live so far from each other. Distance sucks.