Category Archives: Trying to Conceive

Only Hearts Can Build A Home

I’ve been meaning to update for a while but have always managed to put it off. Namely because I’ve been gone so long I really didn’t know where to start and I wanted to avoid inflicting word vomit on those of you who still visit regularly.

As you can imagine life of late has been a whirlwind. The move to the new house, work, and start of school has limited my ability to really spend any time online. Moreso, my free time is very limited and whatever free time I have, I tend to spend doing things around the house which wasn’t the case in our old residence. I guess it’s true that you have to love your house to take pride in it and while I liked the other house, I didn’t love it.

Now with our new house, I do love it. So much so that while I was all gun ho and ready to get the hell out of Arizona, I’ve informed R that I am never leaving and I plan to die in this house. I’ve put a lot of hard work and soul into this place in the short time we’ve been here and I can’t imagine just walking away from that. In our old house, the walls were bare and we only painted a few rooms, whereas with this house every room was painted and I’ve not only added artwork but also made the place feel like home, which wasn’t the case in the old house. We still have a lot more to do but we are making progress. It’s slow going but it’s definitely worth it and I can’t wait until it’s all complete.

Here’s a rough list of what we have left to do in no particular order:

    → Decide on a dining room set
    → Decide on the bedroom set we’d like for the guest bedroom and little sister’s bedroom
    → Pick out artwork for our bedroom
    → Finish building out the office
    → Decide on whether we want to put sod in the backyard or plant grass and allow it to grow in
    → Decide on patio set for the backyard
    → Decide on BBQ grill and placement for the built-in BBQ
    → Organize garage and shed
    → Decide on the furniture we’d like in the family room (sectional or regular couch)
    → Decide on what to use to house DVR, XBOX 360, Apple TV, etc
    → Decide on end tables for family room
    → Build out DVD/Blu-Ray shelves
    → Replace the toilets;
    → Visit IKEA to get pricing on cost to build in pantry
    → Decide on architecture for cat highway
    → Decide on shelves and brackets to use for cat highway
    → Set up wall in garden and decide on what to plant

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Everything

I’ve been fairly absent other than the link up that’s being going on every Tuesday. Some of that is a result of decluttering and the other is just dealing with the journey we’re about to start.

In November, while infertility was a topic and a word that was thrown around, it still for the most part, wasn’t a reality. I left for Texas and was surrounded by my bestie and her kids and I didn’t really have to deal with that topic and all it encompassed. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I can’t be around kids but I have a feeling the further we get into this journey, the harder it’s going to be to swallow the parents and the children that surround my family and friends. I’m happy for them, I wish them well, but I know that at the end of it all, I’ll look at my empty home and know something’s missing.

Well, now I’m back home and the reality of it all is just now sinking in, and despite my best efforts to act like I’m strong, unfazed, the truth is, there are days when I wonder why I even bother. I obviously fail at life so why am I here? What is my purpose?

I’ve started school which has helped to distract me and I’m actively seeking employment which while I know is the best thing because, 1, it’ll make treatments more affordable, and 2, it’ll give me another distraction, I also know it’s the worse thing because it means having to deal with my “bad days” in front of other people. It means having to smile and laugh when inside I’m dying.

I wish I could say I had it in me to be positive but the truth is, I don’t even have that. It’s going to cost us $1,000 per cycle for the cheapest assisted reproductive technology and the most effective is of course at least $15,000 if not more, depending on all that we need. I can’t even contemplate how we will even begin to afford this so I’ve built up a wall with the expectation that we won’t have kids—at least not if oral + IUI doesn’t work. It’s not what he wants but I have to be realistic. We have to be realistic.

I’ve grown up around disappointment. It’s been the reoccurring theme in my life, so really what’s one more?

It’s everything.

Home Away from Home

Well I’ve arrived in Texas safe and sound after almost missing my flight. I literally got to the gate just as they started boarding. That’s a first for me. I’m usually at the gate at least an hour before we take off but on the way out of town I remembered I’d forgotten my thyroid medication so we had to turn back around. Talk about close calls, lol.

After that I got to hang out at the airport for 4 hours because Jenn’s hubby, Jeremiah had work and wasn’t able to get off when he said he would. Jenn felt really bad and thought she was a bad friend but I told her she was being silly. I was fine and it allowed me to get through a book, I’ve meant to finish, so I was perfectly content to hang out. Plus, even if I didn’t have a book, I had my laptop and the airport has free WiFi so it wasn’t a big deal. :)

Texas is like my home away from home. It’s so peaceful out here and plus I really needed to de-stress and this is helping. The kids are adorable as always and it’s crazy to me how big they both are. When I last saw Blake he was still crawling and now he’s walking! And Matthew, big attitude change! It’s so weird. He’s gone from the boy who was all “Look at me, Angie!” to “Meh, Angie’s here, big freaking deal.” Lol. I want both of them to stop growing. I don’t like it. :(

Speaking of kids, my results for my blood work came back and it seems the thyroid meds are helping. All of my levels came back normal so I’ll just keep taking the pills. We have a consultation scheduled at the fertility clinic on Dec 6th and we’ll go from there. I am happy that the pills are working. I don’t know what I would have done if the results came back with levels that were still high. I will say that I had a feeling something was off because of my recent weight gain. I usually stay around 98-101lbs and those 3 months I was hovering around 103-104lbs which isn’t the norm, unless I’m actively trying to gain weight, lol. I guess it’s a lesson learned that I should follow my instincts. As for R, he’s doing great with the weight loss. He’s lost 10lbs already and he is continuing to walk at least 12,000 steps a day, usually more. I am so proud of him.

I’ll be in Texas for the next three weeks hanging with my Jennfur. We’re going to see P!NK in concert and we’re going to try to see Thor as well. I spoiled myself this year and this is my third time visiting so I’m going to be sad when I’m not able to come out as often but Ce la vie. I’m just grateful to be able to see her at all. I missed my bestie and I hate that we live so far from each other. Distance sucks.

Infertility Journals: All I Want For Solstice

mothersday

As I predicted, my period started.

I’m trying to take it with a grain of salt but anyone who’s struggled with infertility knows that’s easier said than done.

I keep thinking that maybe by some miracle it’ll just happen because I don’t think I’ve quite accepted our fate.

So this week is off to a great start [insert sarcasm] and now I’m going to try to get some sleep because if I continue to ponder this, my ability to deal is going to dwindle and I’ll end up a mess of tears.

All I want for Solstice is a big fat positive… but even I know that’s just too much to ask.

Infertility & Broken Bits of Glass

Yesterday, I went in to see my gynecologist and she delivered news that broke my heart. I knew it was coming but to have it said aloud, well, it just really cemented our path and I’ll admit I cried.

We have officially been referred to a reproductive endocrinologist to help set up a game plan due to our infertility. I know it’s not the end of the world, logically I know this, but emotionally, I’m wrecked and I keep wondering if it’s even worth it and then I think I’m terrible for even thinking that and maybe this is why I can’t naturally be a mom, because who even has thoughts like this? I’m obviously being punished.

Add that to trying to help R cope with his infertility centered around low sperm count and I have nothing left to hold me together. And I wonder why does it have to be so hard? Why can that couple over there who are irresponsible and unable to care for a child so easily have one, while I stand her desperate, unable to do so? What have I done wrong in this life or past lives that has led the universe to punish me so drastically? How can I fix it? infertility11

And then thoughts of how selfish I’m being come into play. Why spend all this money when there are children in the system that need homes or is it even fair to ask for this? There must be a reason we can’t do it naturally, so is it fair to try to force it?

I’m a jumble of emotions and with my impending cycle coming to an end and that familiar friend visiting, it gets worse and worse. Add that to a friend asking if I’ve considered adoption, which to be fair, is an option on the table, and I’m a miserable mess. Until you’re in a situation where your fertility is questioned, people just don’t understand how much that adoption question hurts.

It’s not that I don’t want to adopt, I do, someday, but for me getting pregnant is beyond wanting to have my own flesh and blood child(ren), I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do! But I want the experience as well. Despite the sickness and the terrible pregnancy Ana is having that I’ve been privy to, I want to be able to do what was supposed to come naturally.

I’m trying to stay positive but I’ll be honest and say that’s never been my forte. In an effort to protect myself I’ve long since adapted the “if it can go wrong, it will go wrong” philosophy so presently I just expect failure, after all that’s the one thing I seem to be good at.