Category Archives: Parenting

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

As much as I wanted to stay committed to 365 Days of Blogging, I recognized that with two newborns it just wasn’t feasible. My last post, while true, Community is an awesome show, was simply filler and that’s when I decided it was time to stop trying to force myself to blog every day. I feel better for it and now I can focus on my family at night without feeling rushed into having to post a blog. I went a full 2 months blogging every day; blogging with substance every day so I call that a win in my book. Maybe next year, I’ll be able to stick to my goal but for now blogging every day is no longer a priority.

Exclusively pumping has been going well. My supply has been increasing every day, though I have changed my schedule from pumping every 2 hours to every 3, which means I lose one of my pumps during the day. I am monitoring it to see if it impacts my supply and if it does then I’ll have to go back to 2 hours a day. I’m really hoping that won’t be the case. It has been so nice today to go 3 hours between pump times but we’ll have to see. It also allowed me to spend some time with R during the day, who was really missing me so I’m crossing my fingers that the change won’t impact my supply. It would do wonders for all of us I’m sure. times

Speaking of wonders; I had a conversation with R the other day letting him know that he is going to have to be very understanding of my need to have my alone time, more so now than ever before. I not only have two babies that depend on me and need mommy but I also have a husband who’s always been very needy and clingy, and while that was fine when it was just the two of us, now, it’s really draining me emotionally and physically. I asked him not to be offended, just to understand that as an introvert, the way I recharge my batteries is by being by myself. I need the alone time to take care of me. I think he understood and if not, we can definitely discuss it further.

I’ve been thinking about life lately and I think I may end up going back into management. It’s not something I considered before, but given our present predicament, it’s something I have to consider for our family. I haven’t talked to R about it yet, namely because it’s just something I started to think about and also because I know he will consider it a personal failing on his part when it’s not. We are both equally responsible for providing for our family and as much as we both wanted to avoid the kids being raised by strangers, it’s a luxury we are no longer afforded so it’s time to put on the big girl panties, no matter how much it kills me to do it.

Maybe, I’m not such a terrible mom after all.

A Birth Story: My Body’s Rebellion

As much as I’d love to say that being 5cm dilated and 100% effaced, meant that labor started to progress fairly quickly, that’s would be a lie. While it allowed the doctors to increase the dose of pitocin, in hopes it would speed up labor, it did no such thing.

Instead, I caved and asked for them to administer the epidural, which, contrary to what they tell you, does not feel like a bee sting, unless bee stings really fucking hurt in which case, then yes, it most certainly does. I’ve never had one, so I can’t be sure.

After the epidural was administered, I felt like something was off. My sister and others who’d gone through labor described it as not having any sensation from their hips down to their feet and that was definitely not the case with me. I just assumed however, that perhaps I was having a different reaction as is usually the case. I should have figured something was wrong when the Resident who came to check on my dilation was surprised at my ability to pull my legs up, but still I dismissed it and tried to get some sleep.

I probably lasted about 30-45 minutes before the increased dose of pitocin kicked in and I started to really feel the contractions. Contractions, that woke me up due to the severity and the pain that had overcome my body. It was then that I knew something was wrong and had Robby page the nurse.

The nurse in turn paged the group the anesthesiologist and after several minutes of holding Robby’s hand as I tried to breathe through the contractions, someone showed up in our room to check on me.

It turns out, the epidural slipped out of my back and all of the medication was just seeping into my skin rather than my spine. There was nothing that was targeting the correct nerves to alievate the pain and so once again, I had to go through the procedure of having the epidural removed and then reinserted and I still attest that it does not feel like a damn bee sting, thought admittedly it hurt much less. That could be from the medication that was speeing into my skin or that I was dilarious with pain, but it certainly felt a lot less uncomfortable. I’ll take my blessings where I can get them, thanks.

whentogivebirth After the epidural was inserted, they tested it to ensure it was inserted correctly by pushing a dose into the line. I immediately noticed a difference. Within seconds my legs started to go numb and as my sister and others had told me prior, I was not able to feel anything from my legs down. Finally, blessed relief.

After they fixed the epidural, I went back to a drug induced sleep for maybe 2-3 hours, until once again I was ripped from my dreams due to sear agony. I could once again feel the contractions and was one more able to move my legs. I sought, comfort, however fruitless in squeezing Robby’s hand, as we waited for them to once again have someone come in to check on my epidural. It seemed like the minutes stretched on and I begged Robby to page the nurse and ask if they could give me anything in the meantime. The answer was a resounding no. I was too far along and they didn’t want to give me something that would assuredly knock me out and prevent my ability to push, so I waited, curled on my side, wishing it would stop. Finally, after what seemed like hours, the anesthesiologist appeared in my room and discovered the IV bag with the medication that was supposed to be delivered through the line in my back, was left off, hence the excruciating pain.

By this point, I was exhausted and just let them get on with once again fixing the error. The anesthesiologist who removed the epidural and reinserted it decided to mention that I likely had arthritis in my back and that when I got older it was likely going to be an issue. Gee, thanks sir. That’s exactly what I needed to hear when I’m half dead from lack of sleep and my body is rebelling at all the attempts to alleviate the pain. Seriously, thank you.

Finally, the epidural was reset, the IV bag checked to ensure medication was flowing, and I was once again able to drift off to sleep, though, you guessed it, that didn’t last long. Once again, I was jarred awake due to agonizing pain and once again Robby had to page the nurse. This time however when the anesthesiologist stopped by to check on me, everything was fine. The line was flowing, the needle was where it needed to be, my body merely decided that an epidural that should have lasted me several hours, would barely last me 2. Per my request the anesthesiologist topped me off (pushed another round directly into the IV) and I was once again able to drift off to sleep.

I was in and out of consciousness for several hours, and at one point my OB stopped in to check on my dilation. He advised was nearly there but not quite at 10cm, so we needed to wait a little bit longer. After he left, I promptly fell back to sleep, and after what I can only imagine was about 30-45 minutes, I was jolted away by a sudden need to push. I felt like I had to shit my pants and I told Robby he needed to page the doctor, because I thought I was ready. The pressure was unbearable and it took everything in me to NOT push, which was also about the time I realized that once again, the epidural had run out.

My OB arrived, did a quick check of dilation and confirmed that I was right. I was 10cm dilated and it was go time.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion but also so quickly that it was hard to keep up. They helped move me from the bed I was on to a gurney and made Robby put on scrubs as they all prepared to wheel me out and into the operating room…

to be continued…

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Think I Can

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Think I Can

I guess I was too quick in jumping the gun in regards to my supply issue. I guess I’m actually right on track to where I should be and my supply will continue to gradually grow as the weeks go on. This makes me feel A LOT better. I was contemplating giving up so I’m glad I asked the ladies in my exclusively pumping group for letting me know, I am doing what I should be doing and that my supply will continue to grow. It definitely makes the lack of sleep and the lack of real time to myself that much more worth it and today, I did see a much larger increase in my output. quotescover-JPG-12 I don’t know if this is because I’ve added a new supplement, Gaia Lactation pills or if it’s because I’m trying my best not to stress so much. Either way, I was surprised to see the increase as I thought it would be a marginal bump at best.

So right now the plan is to stay the course and continue with the way I am currently pumping but to throw in at least one power pump every 2-3 days to mimic a baby’s cluster feeding during a growth spurt. What makes this so hard is that I have two that I need to build my supply for instead of one but I am determined to make this work. I was hoping to potentially be a oversupplier so I could start to decrease my pumps per day but we will have to see what happens. What I do know is I need to stop obsessing over the numbers and just focus on the routine of pumping, minding the babies, and trying to get as much sleep as possible, though of course, all of that is much easier said than done.

At the end of the day though, I can only do so much so I have to focus on the strides I have made and let the rest fall into place. Here’s to hoping I can.

The Unscalable Wall Or So It Seems

The Unscalable Wall Or So It Seems

Well the pumping had been going well. I was getting an extra 1-1.5 ounces each day but now I feel like I’m plateauing and that makes me sad, especially since it’s no where near what I need to feed both babies, let alone one. I’m taking the supplements, pumping at least 8 times a day and it seems like I’m stuck and I’m wondering if I need to go back to pumping at least 12 times a day which would mean the little sleep I am getting would cease to exist. I am so disheartened because I was making so much progress and now it seems I am stuck. quotescover-JPG-48 I’m hoping the ladies in a group I’m in on FB will be able to give me some suggestions or will tell me that this is normal and then production picks up. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll likely go at least 6 weeks but if I’m still not seeing great output, I may have to re-evaluate my decision to continuing pumping. It’s already taking so much time from my family and if it’s not going to fully supply the sprats and we’re still going to have to supplement with formula, we’ll have to decide if it’s worth the time away from the family for the little I am able to provide.

Motherhood is hard, especially breastfeeding. You’d think something so natural would come easy but that’s not the case at all and I wish people were more vocal about it. I wish, that as woman, we were more supportive and more forthcoming about such vital information. I think it’d go a long way in making mothers, new and old, not feel like such failures if they’re not able to provide breast milk for their babies. If only, right?

I do know that once I’m in a better frame of mind, I will blog about my struggles with breastfeeding and pumping because I think it’s my job to spread awareness. I mean at the least it might help someone else who’s a new mom facing the same struggle to know that she’s not alone and she’s not broken. It’s the least I can do.

Dear Future Self, A Reminder

Dear Future Self, A Reminder

I looked my kids today and realized how different their little hand sizes are from when they were born and it made me sad. They’re already growing too fast and it’s crazy to think that in two days’ time, they’ll be 3 weeks old. 3 weeks, guys! 3 fucking weeks.

It’s funny how these weeks seem to have been the longest, yay sleep deprivation, and the shortest weeks of my life. I guess that’s what being a mother is like right? I never quite understood what my parents were talking about, as a child, when they would say we grow up to fast. I get it now, I do, and it sucks. I have no doubts I’m going to be a blubbering mess on their 1st birthday when I realize that holy shit, I’ve only got 17 years left where they are truly my responsibility, as least where the law is concerned. Why did no one warn me about this part? blogger-image--1748668960

I’m sure there will be days, weeks, or months when I’m ready to stab myself in the face due to the frustrations they will inevitably cause but for now, for now, I look at them and realize just how much they have grown in the 3 short weeks since they’ve greeted the world. For now, I look at my babies and I see 5 years pass by in the blink of an eye, and I have to remember to cherish every moment, even the ones where I want to tear out my hair and breakdown and cry.

For now, I’m asking you, my dear readers, to remind to come back here and re-read this blog posts on the days when the twins are being twinados and I cannot deal. For now, I’m asking you to remind me that life is short, time is not on our side, and our kids, well, they really do grow up too fast.