Category Archives: Relationships

Surviving the First Year

Surviving the First Year

I’ve gone much longer between blogs than I’d like, but a large part of that is not having access to my MacBook. R has been using it for work so I don’t have the portability I once had and getting on my desktop with twin 3 month old babies is difficult to say the least. I’m hoping as they get older, I’ll have a little more availability and I know for certain R is looking into getting his own portable device but he wants to wait until he hears a little more about the changes to the MacBook Pro line so for now, it’ll be a hop on my desktop when I can.

The past few months have probably been the longest and the shortest in my life. Sleep deprivation has certainly gotten the best of me on several occasions but the smiles of my children make it worth it. Untitledtwins It’s definitely been more challenging as they get older and more alert but also more rewarding. They are able to smile socially at us and Ty has even taken to laughing, but since their main communication is still crying, it can be a bit challenging to deal with. I am extremely thankful to have my mother-in-law here to help, however she is leaving at the end of the month so I’ll have to get comfortable with leaving one to cry while I deal with the other. It’s going to be hard but it’ll only be for a few months as the babies start to learn other ways to communicate.

I started work last Friday and after 9 months, it was certainly interesting being back. I am so behind on everything and it’s a little overwhelming trying to catch up. Thankfully, they’re giving me a few weeks to reacquaint myself and then hopefully, I can start looking at other positions within the company to determine if there’s anything else I’d rather do. I do know that being on the phone all the time is not something I can tolerate for much longer. I’ll do it because my kids need me to but I’d really like to get out of a customer facing role. I suppose time will tell.

In the meantime, my focus is on being a good mom, hopefully jumping back into some of my hobbies (though the lack of sleep may prevent that), and ensuring our marriage survives this first year. I’m hoping that my new schedule will help with that, since I’ll be working a split schedule which means I’ll have 4 hours during the day to focus on catching up on sleep and hopefully having a little time, however briefly, to do some of the things I enjoy. I’m not expecting much in that regard because I know I am going to need the sleep but perhaps once in a while when the kids have a good night, I’ll be able to accomplish that. Either way, time will tell and hopefully, it can only go up from here.

Hopefully.

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

As much as I wanted to stay committed to 365 Days of Blogging, I recognized that with two newborns it just wasn’t feasible. My last post, while true, Community is an awesome show, was simply filler and that’s when I decided it was time to stop trying to force myself to blog every day. I feel better for it and now I can focus on my family at night without feeling rushed into having to post a blog. I went a full 2 months blogging every day; blogging with substance every day so I call that a win in my book. Maybe next year, I’ll be able to stick to my goal but for now blogging every day is no longer a priority.

Exclusively pumping has been going well. My supply has been increasing every day, though I have changed my schedule from pumping every 2 hours to every 3, which means I lose one of my pumps during the day. I am monitoring it to see if it impacts my supply and if it does then I’ll have to go back to 2 hours a day. I’m really hoping that won’t be the case. It has been so nice today to go 3 hours between pump times but we’ll have to see. It also allowed me to spend some time with R during the day, who was really missing me so I’m crossing my fingers that the change won’t impact my supply. It would do wonders for all of us I’m sure. times

Speaking of wonders; I had a conversation with R the other day letting him know that he is going to have to be very understanding of my need to have my alone time, more so now than ever before. I not only have two babies that depend on me and need mommy but I also have a husband who’s always been very needy and clingy, and while that was fine when it was just the two of us, now, it’s really draining me emotionally and physically. I asked him not to be offended, just to understand that as an introvert, the way I recharge my batteries is by being by myself. I need the alone time to take care of me. I think he understood and if not, we can definitely discuss it further.

I’ve been thinking about life lately and I think I may end up going back into management. It’s not something I considered before, but given our present predicament, it’s something I have to consider for our family. I haven’t talked to R about it yet, namely because it’s just something I started to think about and also because I know he will consider it a personal failing on his part when it’s not. We are both equally responsible for providing for our family and as much as we both wanted to avoid the kids being raised by strangers, it’s a luxury we are no longer afforded so it’s time to put on the big girl panties, no matter how much it kills me to do it.

Maybe, I’m not such a terrible mom after all.

Waiting On A Sign of Things to Come

Waiting On A Sign of Things to Come

Life lately has been all about pumping. I’m pumping every two hours during the day and then every 3 hours at night all in an effort to increase my supply. Basically my life is either babies or breasts, breasts, breasts and not in the good way. Sorry, fellows.

Still despite how tiring it is and how little sleep I am getting, I am noticing an increase in what I’m yielding each day and that helps to keep me going. Some days, I just want to say screw it, I’d rather sleep but I know ultimately this is going to save us money in the long run and we don’t have the luxury right now to be frivolous with money, especially when it helps us to save.

reasons R is feeling the pressure of getting a job every day and I wish there was something I could do to help and console him. I know it’s killing him and I hate seeing him this way but it’s not like he isn’t trying. He’s submitting job applications every day and talking and meeting with people both in person and on the phone without results and it’s draining him. I see it and I hate that I can’t do anything to make it better. I just keep hoping and praying that the next day will be the day but that will only go so far. Worst case scenario is we take on a roommate to help offset the mortgage while he’s looking and of course I should be expecting some pay with maternity leave, though it’s not nearly enough to support us. I really need to start picking up some freelancing gigs so I can offset some of the costs of our bills, even it just covers small things, I think it will go a long way.

I’m also looking at changing my hosting. Right now I’m on a dedicated server and have been for years. While, I love the options it affords, it’s money that can be spent elsewhere. I haven’t yet broached the topic with R yet because I know it’ll upset him. He’ll tell me I should keep it but logically it just doesn’t make sense to. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’d be a shame to have to say goodbye, but without help to offset the costs from other interested parties in having access to a dedicated server, it just doesn’t make sense for me to keep up with it, and while that sucks, supporting our family is much more important. I’ll talk to him about it tonight and see what he has to say, though as I said, I have a good idea of what that is going to be.

Despite all the stress, the job hunt is causing, I am still so in love with our family. He thinks that I just say we will be okay just to say it, but somehow deep down, I do truly believe it. Everything happens for a reason, we’re just waiting to find out what.