Category Archives: Self Discovery

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

As much as I wanted to stay committed to 365 Days of Blogging, I recognized that with two newborns it just wasn’t feasible. My last post, while true, Community is an awesome show, was simply filler and that’s when I decided it was time to stop trying to force myself to blog every day. I feel better for it and now I can focus on my family at night without feeling rushed into having to post a blog. I went a full 2 months blogging every day; blogging with substance every day so I call that a win in my book. Maybe next year, I’ll be able to stick to my goal but for now blogging every day is no longer a priority.

Exclusively pumping has been going well. My supply has been increasing every day, though I have changed my schedule from pumping every 2 hours to every 3, which means I lose one of my pumps during the day. I am monitoring it to see if it impacts my supply and if it does then I’ll have to go back to 2 hours a day. I’m really hoping that won’t be the case. It has been so nice today to go 3 hours between pump times but we’ll have to see. It also allowed me to spend some time with R during the day, who was really missing me so I’m crossing my fingers that the change won’t impact my supply. It would do wonders for all of us I’m sure. times

Speaking of wonders; I had a conversation with R the other day letting him know that he is going to have to be very understanding of my need to have my alone time, more so now than ever before. I not only have two babies that depend on me and need mommy but I also have a husband who’s always been very needy and clingy, and while that was fine when it was just the two of us, now, it’s really draining me emotionally and physically. I asked him not to be offended, just to understand that as an introvert, the way I recharge my batteries is by being by myself. I need the alone time to take care of me. I think he understood and if not, we can definitely discuss it further.

I’ve been thinking about life lately and I think I may end up going back into management. It’s not something I considered before, but given our present predicament, it’s something I have to consider for our family. I haven’t talked to R about it yet, namely because it’s just something I started to think about and also because I know he will consider it a personal failing on his part when it’s not. We are both equally responsible for providing for our family and as much as we both wanted to avoid the kids being raised by strangers, it’s a luxury we are no longer afforded so it’s time to put on the big girl panties, no matter how much it kills me to do it.

Maybe, I’m not such a terrible mom after all.

Oh Snap! I Am a Mommy Blogger!

Oh Snap! I Am a Mommy Blogger!

Sleep deprivation isn’t getting any easier and with both babies in the midst of a growth spurt, let’s just say life in the Beckman household has been hell. I still am not quite sure how R is managing to function without a single nap during the day, but then I imagine that’s probably a result of the fact that he’s not getting up to pump in the middle of the night so his sleep isn’t as broken. Who knows? What I do know is I appreciate him taking the babes during the day so I can at least get one nap in. I’ve offered to take the kids so he can sleep but he’s stubborn and continually refuses. I don’t think he can go on much longer the way he is and suspect very soon we’ll have another day when he crashes around 5 in the afternoon, only to wake up around 9 at night to recharge. I just wish he wasn’t so stubborn.

I think, as much as we will probably loathe ourselves for saying this once they’re older, we are ready for the newborn phase to end. With the kids only sleeping in 2-3 hour chunks per night, I sometimes wonder why we even bother. They seem to sleep better AND longer during the day so I wonder if it just makes sense to adapt my schedule. R obviously can’t as he needs to be awake during the day for job hunting purposes, but I think I could probably modify my pumping schedule to work for being up all night.
sorrynotsorry It’s something worth discussing, I suppose, though it would mean we’d have absolutely no time to spend with each other and I know that bothers him A LOT. I just keep counting the days until we hit that 2-month mark, where there should hopefully be a marked changed. We will see.

I know that recently my blogs have all been about parenting, motherhood, and surviving the twinpocalypse. In essence, I’ve become a “mommy blogger” and while I know that many HATE those kinds of blogs, all I have to say is, tough. Presently this is the only method I have of an emotional dump that doesn’t involve crying my eyes out and completely shutting down so that I’m of no use to my kids and husband, so #sorrynotsorry. Funnily enough, it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. Hopefully, soon, very soon, I’ll have a bit more to blog about that doesn’t stem completely from the motherhood side of things, but for now, I’m getting from my blog what I’ve so desperately missed in the last couple of years: release.

Taking Care of Me First or At Least Trying

Taking Care of Me First or At Least Trying

The pumping schedule and the lack of sleep are definitely catching up to me, even with R trying his best to handle everything1, the change in my handling the kids out night and then handing them off in the morning has thrown me for a loop. I know he means well and he’s trying to make sure I get enough sleep but he’s neglecting his body’s need for it and trying to supplement with energy drinks, which obviously isn’t healthy. We talked today and I told him that I’d honestly prefer he sleep through the night and then take over in the morning and let me sleep. Regardless, I’m up at night when the babies need to be fed to pump right after so it’s not like my sleep isn’t interrupted. Still, the gesture, the fact that he cares so much about trying to make sure I get enough rest blows my breath away. I am so, so blessed.

takecare I sat down and talked to him today and told him while I do appreciate what he’s trying to do, he needs to rest just as much as the rest of us. I also mentioned that he needs to stop with the energy drinks as it’s likely not good for his heart AND I’d really like to avoid a hospital admission for him this year. Thankfully, logic won over and he saw where I was coming from so tonight I will go back to dealing with the babies and let him sleep and he’ll take over during the day. Obviously, this is rough and less than ideal as it means our ability to spend time together becomes non-existent but I suppose that’s what parenthood is all about. Here’s to hoping, their able to sleep through the night by 4 months like Alecia’s little girl, but we will have to see.

Today, I forced myself to do something other than pump, sleep, and take care of the babies. I have access to the closed beta for Black Desert Online, which admittedly I didn’t really get to play much of. I logged on today and created a character and ran around for about 30 minutes before logging off to pump and then grab a screaming baby, but to me that’s something. I did something for me and it felt good to do it, though admittedly I felt a little guilty doing so2, but I am still so very proud of myself. Hopefully, if I can do just a little something for myself every day, it’ll go a long way as we make the adjustment from newborns to babies.

I’m really trying to take the advice that Jada Pinkett Smith gave on her roles as a wife and mom to heart but it’s HARD. It’s so, so HARD. I just have to keep telling myself, every day, that I’m doing a good job, especially on the hard days. I may not always believe it but if I tell myself I am, that may just be enough to make a difference, right?

  1. I love that man so much.
  2. I don’t think that ever changes.

A Shift of Focus & An Alternative Option

A Shift of Focus & An Alternative Option

After reading up on some material on KellyMom.com I’ve decide to shift my focus from breastfeeding on the boob to exclusively pumping. The reason for this is while it is true that pumping is not as efficient as having the baby on the boob it is more convenient and works better around our lifestyle with the option to do it hands free. It also removes a lot of guilt I am feeling right now with Tempe and not being able to breastfeed her like her brother. I’m NOT opposed to breastfeeding them occasionally, but right now I’m focused on trying to pump every 2 hours to build my supply. It’s very similar to breastfeeding a baby, but instead of having to rely on a tiny human and keep tiny human alert and interested in feeding, it’s all mechanically. I’ve joined some FB groups as well and sent some resources to R for him to review. Overall, this is less stress for me, even if it means I’m pumping every 2 hours, 8-12 times a day. My solace is again; it’s hands free and allows me to do things whereas with breastfeeding that isn’t the case.

dontcryoverspilledmilk With that said, I’m supremely disappointed with the fact that our pediatrician and doctors don’t even suggest it as an option. It’s either boob or bottle, where bottle means formula, not breast milk. It’s extremely disheartening that information like this, the fact that exclusively pumping, isn’t disseminated to more mothers and families as a viable option. I am so glad, I took the time last night, while trying to breastfeed Ty, who was not having any of it, to Google and see if it was a thing. My only hope is that this blog will reach other mother’s struggling to breastfeed and realize that baby on boob is NOT the only option you have. It’s just as much work if not less to exclusively pump so don’t give up!

I’m still working on building my supply but I am determined to make this work. In the meantime, I will continue to do what I’m doing, possibly try to pop a baby on my boob occasionally so they at least get the comfort of being near mom and going from there.

And if it doesn’t work? I tried. And I tried hard and really at the end of the day, what more could I ask for?