Tag Archives: friendships

I Never Imagined Being This Lucky

I Never Imagined Being This Lucky

Today was quite eventful, especially given the fact that I was on about 5 hours (less, since I woke up multiple times during the night) of sleep. Still, it was enjoyable and I’ll likely rehash the details in another post.

For those who don’t already know, today was our baby shower. I have to say that I am sometimes astounded at how many people we have in our lives who care for us so much, even more so by how they display that love, like getting up at 4am to drive 5 hours so they can attend and in some cases turn right back around after the shower has ended. It is miraculous to me and I have to remind myself how lucky I really am. lucky

With that said I imagine, I will have a lot of thank you cards to make, which I do plan to make by hand. It’ll be my first attempt using the Silhouette but I’m excited to try and to see how they come out. I also think it’ll be a nice touch to truly show our appreciation, not only for the gifts, but for the honor of having such wonderful people join us to celebrate the lives that we have created. There are so many who know how much we wanted this and how hard it was to get to this point so it was a little something special to have them join us for the celebration of our success.

Tomorrow, I’ll go into more details with pictures and video of today’s event but for now, I need to recovery from a very, long, surprisingly1, eventful day.

Here’s to hoping sleep comes easy tonight because boy, do I need it.

  1. I really do not like being the certain of attention.

Life is Change, Growth is Optional: Choose Wisely

Life is Change, Growth is Optional: Choose Wisely

Last night, after Skyping with Jenn for a bit, who decided it was an excellent idea to look up her old websites and read through the entries, I decided to see if I remembered my login to some of my old LiveJournals and do the same.

I’m not quite sure what possessed me to do it, other then following Jenn’s lead but I did find some of my entries amusing. More so, I am astonished at just how much I have grown and changed. Particularly when it came to letting myself fall and trusting that R wouldn’t do something to break me. I can tell you that back when we first started dating, I was an absolutely mess, trust issues, depression, and self-saboteur. As I’ve said, I’ve come a very, very, very long way.

This also extends on to my relationship with Alecia. G-d I was angsty and admittedly a little clingy, which I’ve since grown out of, but I guess at that time in my life, the only person I had was R and Alecia, so when things started to fall apart between us, my realization that I had no other friends or relationships to turn to, only added to the depth of my depression and self-loathing.

One of the pieces of literature she wrote still in some ways resonates within me today. Admittedly, back then, she had a point. I did have high expectations for the people in my life that were close to me and I was unfair in my expectations of them. I always thought I knew best and as such would often impose my viewpoint on their lives. As, we would say, I pulled a Helen1. Growth

I do think that I have grown and come to realize that while you can give your words for wisdom, you cannot force or expect that a person will listen. At the end of the day, it’s not my choice to make, and if they are unable to see what is so clearly in front of them, it’s not my job to try to force them to see it. I have armed them to the best of my ability and now it’s their choice to decide what it is they want to do.

I have also come to a place in my life, having been taken advantage of too many times, that I’m not as willing to step up to help. It’s not something that comes easily because my default response, as is R’s, is to reach out and try to help if we can, but we’ve come to realize it’s not always in our best interest. We help those we think would appreciate it and no longer put ourselves in a position, well, at least try not to, where we are so easily taken advantage of.

All in all, the trip down memory lane served its purpose. Sometimes, on days when its cloudy and I’m feeling a little bit lost, I stop and wonder what the hell I’ve actually accomplished up to this point in my life. Most of the time, the answers that return are negative and only serve to perpetuate my feeling of uselessness, but today? Well, today, I have realized how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown, and how much further I still have to go.

That’s a win in my book.

  1. Long story.

Identity Crisis: A Childhood of Racial Shame

Despite the fact I was born in the mid 80’s and racism wasn’t as prevalent during those times, as a child I still faced it every day.

My sister and I had to walk to take a bus to school which meant waiting at the bus stop and dealing with the Mexican children who thought they were better than us because we were black. Add that to the fact that I was mixed and had a hard time identifying with either of my racial backgrounds, being happy with my racial and cultural background was quite difficult, so difficult in fact that most days I wished I was white.

Identity Crisis: Racial ShameIt’s true growing up during those times was significantly easier than what they were in the 70’s, but having to deal with kids throwing rocks at you because of what they perceived you were racially, made it difficult to be proud of my heritage.

It didn’t make it any easier to know that I just wasn’t black enough and I was considered ugly to my Asian relatives because my skin was too dark. As a result I spent the majority of childhood trying to fit in and desperately wanting to be accepted, even if it meant kissing ass or committing heinous acts because one of the “cool” kids told me I should.

Half of my childhood, I can say I don’t recall and I wonder if it’s due to the fact that my mind needs to repress memories that hurt too much to think about.

Now as an adult, while I can understand that as a child, mentality, I would never have been able to grasp that I was selling my soul and trading my dignity for a fleeting moment of bliss, I can’t help but be ashamed of who I was.

In some ways, I wish that I had been stronger and more courageous, but in other ways I know those trials helped me to be who I am today: strong, resilient, unwavering.

I can’t say that if I have children their trials will be any easier nor can I say that things will be different and the racism I faced will no longer exist. I can’t even promise that they won’t face the identity crisis and racial shame I experienced, but what I can say is that despite how they feel, what they think, or what they face, they are not alone.

I only wish there was someone who was around to make me feel the same.

Honest Equals Mean, Since When?

When I was younger, I was the type of person that used to “kiss ass” and tell people what they wanted to hear so they wouldn’t hate me. Even if I thought their actions were moronic, I’d smile and nod in agreement because I don’t want to cause any problems. I’ve long since grown past that stage, found my confidence, and will speak my mind when the things said or done are unfair, illogical, or moronic. hug

Now, don’t misunderstand, the things I say aren’t meant to be mean or hurtful, but it seems like now a days some people are mistaking honest for hurtful or mean, which I don’t really understand.

Dictionary.com defines hurtful as:

hurtful (?h??tf?l) — adj
causing distress or injury

And mean as:

mean (meen) — adj
offensive, selfish, or unaccommodating; nasty; malicious

And honest as:

hon•est [on-ist] — adj
sincere; frank: an honest face.
genuine or unadulterated

How do these three words get interchanged so often? They obviously have very different meanings and yet, if someone doesn’t like what you have to say because you’re being honest, you’re construed as mean, hurtful, or even bitchy. I thought honesty was appreciated but it seems for some individuals this isn’t the case.

With that said, as I stated on my Facebook page, several days ago:

I will never be the type of person to tell someone what they want to hear because they need an ego boost (ask my husband). A true friend is someone who’s willing to tell you the hard and hurtful things but more importantly a true friend appreciates that honesty. So, if anyone has a problem with this, feel free to unfriend me because I won’t change who I am to be liked. Either you get it or you don’t, AND I’m completely okay if you don’t; just don’t expect to like me or call me a friend.

I don’t know about anyone else but I’d rather be the type of friend who will tell you honestly if your choices or actions are appropriate. More so, I’d rather be the type of friend whose honesty allows you to see the truth in a world where so many people are willing to scam, lie, or betray you.

But ultimately, I’d rather have the type of friend who loves and cares about me enough to do the same.

Home Away from Home

Well I’ve arrived in Texas safe and sound after almost missing my flight. I literally got to the gate just as they started boarding. That’s a first for me. I’m usually at the gate at least an hour before we take off but on the way out of town I remembered I’d forgotten my thyroid medication so we had to turn back around. Talk about close calls, lol.

After that I got to hang out at the airport for 4 hours because Jenn’s hubby, Jeremiah had work and wasn’t able to get off when he said he would. Jenn felt really bad and thought she was a bad friend but I told her she was being silly. I was fine and it allowed me to get through a book, I’ve meant to finish, so I was perfectly content to hang out. Plus, even if I didn’t have a book, I had my laptop and the airport has free WiFi so it wasn’t a big deal. :)

Texas is like my home away from home. It’s so peaceful out here and plus I really needed to de-stress and this is helping. The kids are adorable as always and it’s crazy to me how big they both are. When I last saw Blake he was still crawling and now he’s walking! And Matthew, big attitude change! It’s so weird. He’s gone from the boy who was all “Look at me, Angie!” to “Meh, Angie’s here, big freaking deal.” Lol. I want both of them to stop growing. I don’t like it. :(

Speaking of kids, my results for my blood work came back and it seems the thyroid meds are helping. All of my levels came back normal so I’ll just keep taking the pills. We have a consultation scheduled at the fertility clinic on Dec 6th and we’ll go from there. I am happy that the pills are working. I don’t know what I would have done if the results came back with levels that were still high. I will say that I had a feeling something was off because of my recent weight gain. I usually stay around 98-101lbs and those 3 months I was hovering around 103-104lbs which isn’t the norm, unless I’m actively trying to gain weight, lol. I guess it’s a lesson learned that I should follow my instincts. As for R, he’s doing great with the weight loss. He’s lost 10lbs already and he is continuing to walk at least 12,000 steps a day, usually more. I am so proud of him.

I’ll be in Texas for the next three weeks hanging with my Jennfur. We’re going to see P!NK in concert and we’re going to try to see Thor as well. I spoiled myself this year and this is my third time visiting so I’m going to be sad when I’m not able to come out as often but Ce la vie. I’m just grateful to be able to see her at all. I missed my bestie and I hate that we live so far from each other. Distance sucks.