As the time draws nearer and nearer to the birth of our twins, I find my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. On one hand I can’t wait to meet our little Goombas and on the other I am completely terrified and can’t help but question if this is what I want.
Of course I want it. But that in itself comes with its own set of fears.
I worry constantly about how this is going to effect the relationship I have with R. I have read and see too many of my friends’ relationships fall apart after the birth of a child. It should be one of the happiest moments of your life but I know it’s also one of the moments that impact a relationship the most as well. For the better or the worse. You don’t really know until you’re there.
So for the past several days I’ve been having somewhat irrational thoughts and asking myself why. Why did we think this was a good idea? Why did we decide that having kids this late in our life, when R is just now having his career take off would be something that would work? Why am I having all these doubts when this is what I’ve wanted for so long?
It’s a pretty vicious cycle and I loathe myself for even thinking this way but I can’t help it. I can’t help but feel that by adding on a new role as a mom, I’m doomed to fail in either my role as a mom or as a wife. I worry constantly that we aren’t going to survive and we’ll end up in a courtroom, resentful, hateful, and so far from where we started. How will we make this work?
Of course, I haven’t discussed any of this with R. He has enough on his plate trying to secure a job and I don’t think it’s fair to add my stress and doubts to that. I know that I have to discuss it with him and it has to be soon, prior to the arrival of the babies, but I can’t help but wonder if I’ll just end up causing him to doubt and worry as well.
I feel like such a failure because of this. I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone and I know I still have friends in the process of trying to beat it, but here I am, a sniveling, ungrateful little brat, questioning if this is what we really want.
If ever there was the award for the most awful, vile person in existence, it’d be awarded to me.