Tag Archives: infertility

And the Winner Is….

As the time draws nearer and nearer to the birth of our twins, I find my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. On one hand I can’t wait to meet our little Goombas and on the other I am completely terrified and can’t help but question if this is what I want.

Of course I want it. But that in itself comes with its own set of fears.

I worry constantly about how this is going to effect the relationship I have with R. I have read and see too many of my friends’ relationships fall apart after the birth of a child. It should be one of the happiest moments of your life but I know it’s also one of the moments that impact a relationship the most as well. For the better or the worse. You don’t really know until you’re there.

Failure So for the past several days I’ve been having somewhat irrational thoughts and asking myself why. Why did we think this was a good idea? Why did we decide that having kids this late in our life, when R is just now having his career take off would be something that would work? Why am I having all these doubts when this is what I’ve wanted for so long?

It’s a pretty vicious cycle and I loathe myself for even thinking this way but I can’t help it. I can’t help but feel that by adding on a new role as a mom, I’m doomed to fail in either my role as a mom or as a wife. I worry constantly that we aren’t going to survive and we’ll end up in a courtroom, resentful, hateful, and so far from where we started. How will we make this work?

Of course, I haven’t discussed any of this with R. He has enough on his plate trying to secure a job and I don’t think it’s fair to add my stress and doubts to that. I know that I have to discuss it with him and it has to be soon, prior to the arrival of the babies, but I can’t help but wonder if I’ll just end up causing him to doubt and worry as well.

I feel like such a failure because of this. I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone and I know I still have friends in the process of trying to beat it, but here I am, a sniveling, ungrateful little brat, questioning if this is what we really want.

If ever there was the award for the most awful, vile person in existence, it’d be awarded to me.

Achievement Unlocked: Pregnant

This post has been a long time coming but with everything that’s been going on, R’s health issues, death in the family, Thanksgiving, etc. it’s not been high on the priority list. I spent the whole of November getting the house in order for Thanksgiving which included dinner for 21 people and absolutely 0 time on my desktop. In short, life has been insane.

As many of you know, R and I have been actively going through fertility treatments, specifically IVF to try to conceive. We both have our own share of issues but it was mainly MFI1 due to low sperm count, testosterone issues, and mild retrograde ejaculation. Basically, it means we CAN get pregnant but it would be immensely difficult for us to do so.

2014 was the year all of this was discovered as we finally had insurance that covered treatment and it took us the whole of the year to truly process the information. I had always suspected something must be wrong, nearly 10 years together without a single pregnancy is kind of indicative of that, but it wasn’t until I stopped menstruating for 3 months, with every test popping up negative when we decided it was time to find out for sure. All I can say for those in similar situations, teetering on indecision and fear, the sooner you know, the better. Time is of the essence and contrary to what they would like you to believe, there really isn’t enough of it.

We took a break in 2014 after discovering our issues and didn’t resume treatment until the beginning of this year. We went through a fresh cycle2 at the end of March which resulted in a chemical pregnancy3 and then R ended up back in the hospital for pericarditis which left very little time to process or deal with the loss, though on some level I understood that these things happen, and nature did what it was meant to, terminate a pregnancy that would not be viable.

Despite all that, we decided to jump right into our next cycle under the premise that if necessary, we would stop the cycle since all of our embryos are frozen and there was no obligation to continue since they did not have me on stims4. It wasn’t something we shared with anyone. We kept it to ourselves because we didn’t know what would happen, whether this round would be successful, and honestly the stress of so many people wanting to know everything but not necessarily willing to understand the process was too much for both of us. As much as I wanted to be open and honest about our journey, and while I tried to some extent, I wasn’t successfully in continuing and I learned that I’m perfectly okay with that.

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  1. male factory infertility related
  2. Embryos implanted after retrieval without freezing.
  3. A very early miscarriage that happened at a point that a missed period and biochemical tests, such as a HCG blood test or a home pregnancy test (checking HCG in urine), were the only evidence that you were pregnant.
  4. Hormone therapy.

I Matter Too

I know this place has gone neglected and I can come up with a bunch of reasons that justify my neglect but at the end of the day none of that really matters. At least not to those who actively keep up with my blog and based on the fact that I have been a pretty terrible blogger, probably not many or any. I wish I could promise that would change but I find that as I get older, it’s harder and harder to find meaning in daily mundane tasks so blogging about it isn’t something I can say I enjoy. But I do miss the days when writing about my day was enough. I miss the days when everything was so much simpler.

R and I started fertility treatments at the end of February and in attempt to separate those ramblings from the ones here, I started a blog that specifically covers that journey and migrated all posts pertaining to trying to conceive there as well. I’m trying not to get caught up in fertility treatments and trying my hardest to prevent that journey from becoming all-consuming. I’m trying to find a life outside of the treatments because if I don’t, it will inevitably swallow me whole and if I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure it hasn’t already. I Matter Too

I’ve stopped doing a lot of the things I enjoy. I haven’t played a video game in several months now, I’m loathe to say probably more than a year at this point. I know GASP! And we all know how the blogging is going, as in it’s not. I have to make myself, my hobbies, and the things I enjoy a priority, but it’s so hard when there is so much going on that my needs and my wants are superseded. I really can’t blame that on anyone else but me and my incessant need to control everything around me.

This month in particular has been hard. I feel like if it could go wrong, it did. I had my first pregnancy which resulted in a chemical pregnancy and R was admitted to the hospital for severe chest pains the same day we found out that the embryo that had been implanted probably wouldn’t make it. I don’t think I’ve really come to terms with that loss. Instead, I lost myself in R’s recovery and pushed aside the pain that dwelling would have caused. I did what I do best, pushed down my emotions and feelings to support and be there for the ones that need it the most. I’m also not blind to the fact that eventually, it will resurface but I’ll take whatever solace I can find and go on pretending that everything is okay and therefore so am I.

Next month I hope to focus a little more on myself. I am going to sit down and play some games, read a little, and do the things that I enjoy. I have not only neglected this place but also myself and it’s high time I spend a little time taking care of myself because despite what I might feel or think, I matter too.

When’s the last time you did something for you?

Only Hearts Can Build A Home

I’ve been meaning to update for a while but have always managed to put it off. Namely because I’ve been gone so long I really didn’t know where to start and I wanted to avoid inflicting word vomit on those of you who still visit regularly.

As you can imagine life of late has been a whirlwind. The move to the new house, work, and start of school has limited my ability to really spend any time online. Moreso, my free time is very limited and whatever free time I have, I tend to spend doing things around the house which wasn’t the case in our old residence. I guess it’s true that you have to love your house to take pride in it and while I liked the other house, I didn’t love it.

Now with our new house, I do love it. So much so that while I was all gun ho and ready to get the hell out of Arizona, I’ve informed R that I am never leaving and I plan to die in this house. I’ve put a lot of hard work and soul into this place in the short time we’ve been here and I can’t imagine just walking away from that. In our old house, the walls were bare and we only painted a few rooms, whereas with this house every room was painted and I’ve not only added artwork but also made the place feel like home, which wasn’t the case in the old house. We still have a lot more to do but we are making progress. It’s slow going but it’s definitely worth it and I can’t wait until it’s all complete.

Here’s a rough list of what we have left to do in no particular order:

    → Decide on a dining room set
    → Decide on the bedroom set we’d like for the guest bedroom and little sister’s bedroom
    → Pick out artwork for our bedroom
    → Finish building out the office
    → Decide on whether we want to put sod in the backyard or plant grass and allow it to grow in
    → Decide on patio set for the backyard
    → Decide on BBQ grill and placement for the built-in BBQ
    → Organize garage and shed
    → Decide on the furniture we’d like in the family room (sectional or regular couch)
    → Decide on what to use to house DVR, XBOX 360, Apple TV, etc
    → Decide on end tables for family room
    → Build out DVD/Blu-Ray shelves
    → Replace the toilets;
    → Visit IKEA to get pricing on cost to build in pantry
    → Decide on architecture for cat highway
    → Decide on shelves and brackets to use for cat highway
    → Set up wall in garden and decide on what to plant

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