Tag Archives: insecurities

Story of My Life

Story of My Life

I’ve done an exceptionally good job of neglecting this blog, despite my promises to do better. life, as is usually the case, has bested me once again. I am also realizing that as much as the title of this domain suits me presently, and if I’m honest, likely always will, I feel this obnoxious need to create a brand and build up my audience and following. I am not sure why that is, I have never been interested in conforming to one standard before, and yet, here I am, struggling between staying lost in wonderland, or finding another name, another domain that is more suited for creating a brand and establishing a presence.

It is amusing for me to consider that in the days past, blogs and a person’s web design and layout spoke volumes of the individual they were. It went hand in hand with creativity and expression and now it seems so many are forcing themselves into square pegs, trying to keep their web designs simple, elegant, and classic. It is almost impossible, if not entirely to find a blog where the theme lends itself to its owner. Instead what I see, time after time, over and over again are themes that are designed to mimic so many others with only the logo and color palette to set itself apart from others, and therein is where my struggle lies.

I am a circle trying to force myself into a square peg and failing miserably at it.

Story of my life.

Unexpressed Emotions

I’ve been out of sorts recently and I can feel myself withdrawing in an attempt to try to recharge from the energy that has been consumed in trying to navigate the weary waters of my emotions. I’m quite adept at being empathetic towards others which ends up taking its toll. Combine that with my innate ability to suppress my emotions and all motivation, drive, or desire evaporates into the air, as my mind and body fight to reinstate balance. Unexpressed Emotions

In short, I’m not very good with dealing with my emotions so when the wall that I so cleverly built starts to falter, I too suffer as I am overloaded with the things I choose not to feel. And while I understand this is likely not healthy, I’ve not yet had the luxury to deal with it, to fully express my emotions. I’ve always in some way or other been the rock; if I falter than so shall everyone else.

In an effort to distract myself, I’ve taking to catching up on TV shows and picking up new ones, more specifically, The Originals. In some ways, one of the main characters has helped me better understand why it is I don’t often let anyone too close. Despite his atrocious acts, I relate to Niklaus, and I wonder if that means I’m a psychopath or simply misunderstood. I suppose that will remain one of life’s mysteries.

Despite all of this, I am feeling cautiously optimistic, though if I am honest, stupidly optimistic is more of what comes to mind. Niklaus is not the only character I can relate to but also his brother, Elijah, who despite all the disappointments, betrayals, and sabotage continues to hope his brother can be redeemed, and I wonder if I am the same. The fool who continues to hope people can change and there is still meaning behind the word “love”.

I suppose, as with most things, time will tell.

Introvert & Proud

I have never, nor will I ever be the type of person who likes to be the center of attention. I shy away from direct eye contact and as a child I didn’t communicate with others outside of my immediate family until I was 5, and therefore forced to because I started kindergarten.

As I grew older, while I developed the ability to speak to others, I didn’t enjoy it. I hated any type of project that required we do a presentation in front of a class and struggled with verbalizing my thoughts or feelings; as an adult I still struggle.

In an attempt to try to get me to break out of my shell, my father often forced me into situations that I found uncomfortable, which only exacerbated my already guarded psyche, and as a result, I learned to “fake” being an exhibitionist. At the time it was the only way to get him off my back so while I felt uncomfortable conversing with strangers, I learned to fake it enough to convince him that I wasn’t some antisocial, possibly psychopathic child.

In retrospect, I think faking and pretending made things more difficult for me as I got older. Now, in order to deal with awkward social situations without feigning some excuse for why I suddenly have to leave, I usually have a few drinks to help me relax. In that aspect I’m very much like Raj from The Big Bang Theory but my social awkwardness extends to both genders, rather than just the opposite sex.

“Many people believe that introversion is about being antisocial, and that’s really a misperception. Because actually it’s just that introverts are differently social. So they would prefer to have a glass of wine with a close friend as opposed to going to a loud party full of strangers.”

– Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Just because I’m introverted doesn’t mean…

…I don’t like getting out of the house. Humans are social by nature; it’s biology. While I may prefer staying in over going out, it doesn’t mean I don’t like to get out of the house. On the contrary, sometimes it’s necessary!

…that I don’t have a unique voice or opinion on certain subjects. Ask any of my close friends, colleagues, or relatives. When it comes to something I’m passionate about, I will give my opinion without hesitation.

…that I won’t speak up if I am wronged or hurt. It might take me a bit of time to tell you because I generally don’t enjoy confrontations but believe me, I will tell you. There’s only so much wrong you can do before I tell you off.

…that I don’t want to meet new people. I do enjoy meeting likeminded people. It may take me awhile to open up to you but if we click, then you have a friend for life.

…that I lack the charisma, intelligence, and capabilities of someone who enjoys the spotlight. I’d say that I’m just as charismatic and intelligent (if not more) than someone who’s comfortable being in the spotlight. I’m a hard worker and my capabilities show that.

…I won’t try something new. As long as it’s not too fair outside of my comfort zone, I’m willing to try it but I won’t be pressured (at least not anymore) into doing or trying something that doesn’t feel right to me.

…that I don’t know how or what it means to have a good time. Contrary to what many believe about introverts, I’m often the one encouraging friends or family to try something different.