Tag Archives: marriage

Surviving the First Year

Surviving the First Year

I’ve gone much longer between blogs than I’d like, but a large part of that is not having access to my MacBook. R has been using it for work so I don’t have the portability I once had and getting on my desktop with twin 3 month old babies is difficult to say the least. I’m hoping as they get older, I’ll have a little more availability and I know for certain R is looking into getting his own portable device but he wants to wait until he hears a little more about the changes to the MacBook Pro line so for now, it’ll be a hop on my desktop when I can.

The past few months have probably been the longest and the shortest in my life. Sleep deprivation has certainly gotten the best of me on several occasions but the smiles of my children make it worth it. Untitledtwins It’s definitely been more challenging as they get older and more alert but also more rewarding. They are able to smile socially at us and Ty has even taken to laughing, but since their main communication is still crying, it can be a bit challenging to deal with. I am extremely thankful to have my mother-in-law here to help, however she is leaving at the end of the month so I’ll have to get comfortable with leaving one to cry while I deal with the other. It’s going to be hard but it’ll only be for a few months as the babies start to learn other ways to communicate.

I started work last Friday and after 9 months, it was certainly interesting being back. I am so behind on everything and it’s a little overwhelming trying to catch up. Thankfully, they’re giving me a few weeks to reacquaint myself and then hopefully, I can start looking at other positions within the company to determine if there’s anything else I’d rather do. I do know that being on the phone all the time is not something I can tolerate for much longer. I’ll do it because my kids need me to but I’d really like to get out of a customer facing role. I suppose time will tell.

In the meantime, my focus is on being a good mom, hopefully jumping back into some of my hobbies (though the lack of sleep may prevent that), and ensuring our marriage survives this first year. I’m hoping that my new schedule will help with that, since I’ll be working a split schedule which means I’ll have 4 hours during the day to focus on catching up on sleep and hopefully having a little time, however briefly, to do some of the things I enjoy. I’m not expecting much in that regard because I know I am going to need the sleep but perhaps once in a while when the kids have a good night, I’ll be able to accomplish that. Either way, time will tell and hopefully, it can only go up from here.

Hopefully.

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

As much as I wanted to stay committed to 365 Days of Blogging, I recognized that with two newborns it just wasn’t feasible. My last post, while true, Community is an awesome show, was simply filler and that’s when I decided it was time to stop trying to force myself to blog every day. I feel better for it and now I can focus on my family at night without feeling rushed into having to post a blog. I went a full 2 months blogging every day; blogging with substance every day so I call that a win in my book. Maybe next year, I’ll be able to stick to my goal but for now blogging every day is no longer a priority.

Exclusively pumping has been going well. My supply has been increasing every day, though I have changed my schedule from pumping every 2 hours to every 3, which means I lose one of my pumps during the day. I am monitoring it to see if it impacts my supply and if it does then I’ll have to go back to 2 hours a day. I’m really hoping that won’t be the case. It has been so nice today to go 3 hours between pump times but we’ll have to see. It also allowed me to spend some time with R during the day, who was really missing me so I’m crossing my fingers that the change won’t impact my supply. It would do wonders for all of us I’m sure. times

Speaking of wonders; I had a conversation with R the other day letting him know that he is going to have to be very understanding of my need to have my alone time, more so now than ever before. I not only have two babies that depend on me and need mommy but I also have a husband who’s always been very needy and clingy, and while that was fine when it was just the two of us, now, it’s really draining me emotionally and physically. I asked him not to be offended, just to understand that as an introvert, the way I recharge my batteries is by being by myself. I need the alone time to take care of me. I think he understood and if not, we can definitely discuss it further.

I’ve been thinking about life lately and I think I may end up going back into management. It’s not something I considered before, but given our present predicament, it’s something I have to consider for our family. I haven’t talked to R about it yet, namely because it’s just something I started to think about and also because I know he will consider it a personal failing on his part when it’s not. We are both equally responsible for providing for our family and as much as we both wanted to avoid the kids being raised by strangers, it’s a luxury we are no longer afforded so it’s time to put on the big girl panties, no matter how much it kills me to do it.

Maybe, I’m not such a terrible mom after all.

Taking Care of Me First or At Least Trying

Taking Care of Me First or At Least Trying

The pumping schedule and the lack of sleep are definitely catching up to me, even with R trying his best to handle everything1, the change in my handling the kids out night and then handing them off in the morning has thrown me for a loop. I know he means well and he’s trying to make sure I get enough sleep but he’s neglecting his body’s need for it and trying to supplement with energy drinks, which obviously isn’t healthy. We talked today and I told him that I’d honestly prefer he sleep through the night and then take over in the morning and let me sleep. Regardless, I’m up at night when the babies need to be fed to pump right after so it’s not like my sleep isn’t interrupted. Still, the gesture, the fact that he cares so much about trying to make sure I get enough rest blows my breath away. I am so, so blessed.

takecare I sat down and talked to him today and told him while I do appreciate what he’s trying to do, he needs to rest just as much as the rest of us. I also mentioned that he needs to stop with the energy drinks as it’s likely not good for his heart AND I’d really like to avoid a hospital admission for him this year. Thankfully, logic won over and he saw where I was coming from so tonight I will go back to dealing with the babies and let him sleep and he’ll take over during the day. Obviously, this is rough and less than ideal as it means our ability to spend time together becomes non-existent but I suppose that’s what parenthood is all about. Here’s to hoping, their able to sleep through the night by 4 months like Alecia’s little girl, but we will have to see.

Today, I forced myself to do something other than pump, sleep, and take care of the babies. I have access to the closed beta for Black Desert Online, which admittedly I didn’t really get to play much of. I logged on today and created a character and ran around for about 30 minutes before logging off to pump and then grab a screaming baby, but to me that’s something. I did something for me and it felt good to do it, though admittedly I felt a little guilty doing so2, but I am still so very proud of myself. Hopefully, if I can do just a little something for myself every day, it’ll go a long way as we make the adjustment from newborns to babies.

I’m really trying to take the advice that Jada Pinkett Smith gave on her roles as a wife and mom to heart but it’s HARD. It’s so, so HARD. I just have to keep telling myself, every day, that I’m doing a good job, especially on the hard days. I may not always believe it but if I tell myself I am, that may just be enough to make a difference, right?

  1. I love that man so much.
  2. I don’t think that ever changes.