Tag Archives: reflections

Surviving the First Year

Surviving the First Year

I’ve gone much longer between blogs than I’d like, but a large part of that is not having access to my MacBook. R has been using it for work so I don’t have the portability I once had and getting on my desktop with twin 3 month old babies is difficult to say the least. I’m hoping as they get older, I’ll have a little more availability and I know for certain R is looking into getting his own portable device but he wants to wait until he hears a little more about the changes to the MacBook Pro line so for now, it’ll be a hop on my desktop when I can.

The past few months have probably been the longest and the shortest in my life. Sleep deprivation has certainly gotten the best of me on several occasions but the smiles of my children make it worth it. Untitledtwins It’s definitely been more challenging as they get older and more alert but also more rewarding. They are able to smile socially at us and Ty has even taken to laughing, but since their main communication is still crying, it can be a bit challenging to deal with. I am extremely thankful to have my mother-in-law here to help, however she is leaving at the end of the month so I’ll have to get comfortable with leaving one to cry while I deal with the other. It’s going to be hard but it’ll only be for a few months as the babies start to learn other ways to communicate.

I started work last Friday and after 9 months, it was certainly interesting being back. I am so behind on everything and it’s a little overwhelming trying to catch up. Thankfully, they’re giving me a few weeks to reacquaint myself and then hopefully, I can start looking at other positions within the company to determine if there’s anything else I’d rather do. I do know that being on the phone all the time is not something I can tolerate for much longer. I’ll do it because my kids need me to but I’d really like to get out of a customer facing role. I suppose time will tell.

In the meantime, my focus is on being a good mom, hopefully jumping back into some of my hobbies (though the lack of sleep may prevent that), and ensuring our marriage survives this first year. I’m hoping that my new schedule will help with that, since I’ll be working a split schedule which means I’ll have 4 hours during the day to focus on catching up on sleep and hopefully having a little time, however briefly, to do some of the things I enjoy. I’m not expecting much in that regard because I know I am going to need the sleep but perhaps once in a while when the kids have a good night, I’ll be able to accomplish that. Either way, time will tell and hopefully, it can only go up from here.

Hopefully.

On Being Necessarily Selfish

On Being Necessarily Selfish

The past couple of weeks have been quite trying. It’s been a wonder that we’ve kept our sanity. Tempe has been having some really bad gas issues of late that it’s resulted in continued screaming, fussiness, and inability to sleep. For a time gas drops worked in soothing her but even that become ineffective and I finally gave in and scheduled an appointment with her pediatrician on Tuesday. In the meantime, we’ve pulled her off breast milk completely and she is currently on Gerber’s hypoallergenic formula, which seems to be helping, but then so did the gas drops so we’re not sure how long that will hold up. I’m hoping indefinitely and as she gets older, we can start to add breast milk back into her diet, but for now we will wait to see what the pediatrician will say.

On top of that, Ty seems to have developed thrush. It doesn’t seem to be bothering him, except he isn’t as willing to take his pacifier, but otherwise he appears fine. I have to call on Monday to see if thy can fit Ty in during Tempe’s exam so he can get a prescription for anti-fungal medication. He is also off breast milk for the time being since it’s an overabundance of antibodies that is causing thrush. Hopefully, we get them all settled in the coming week and their disposition approves.

sometimes-i-forget-putting-myself-first-isnt-being-selfish-quote-1 We are also currently in the midst of trying out a feeding schedule for the sprats. We’re still adjusting to make it work for us but once my mother-in-law leaves, that means we’ll have both babies at night and if they’re not on some sort of schedule that would leave us open to being up all night if one baby is consistently waking up while the other sleeps, or if they’re just waking up at different times from the other. So far it’s been challenging but we’re determined to make it work and stick with it. Funnily enough, I don’t have the “can’t stand to listen to a baby screaming” response, which I think is partly because I don’t have a choice, when there’s only one of us, one of them will have to cry as the other is being tended to.

Other than that, my life has essentially just been all about the babies. I’ve tried to take some time to myself but find it difficult to do so and feel guilty when I leave the tending to my mother-in-law and R. I think R and I should discuss times when he’ll have time to play and when I will, because as it stands he gets most of it and I start to feel a little resentful. It’s not his fault, he helps A LOT, but it happens nonetheless.

For those with partners, what did you find worked best for you when trying to balance your time alone, time together, and time spent taking care of the kids?

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

Sometimes the Only Way Out is Through

As much as I wanted to stay committed to 365 Days of Blogging, I recognized that with two newborns it just wasn’t feasible. My last post, while true, Community is an awesome show, was simply filler and that’s when I decided it was time to stop trying to force myself to blog every day. I feel better for it and now I can focus on my family at night without feeling rushed into having to post a blog. I went a full 2 months blogging every day; blogging with substance every day so I call that a win in my book. Maybe next year, I’ll be able to stick to my goal but for now blogging every day is no longer a priority.

Exclusively pumping has been going well. My supply has been increasing every day, though I have changed my schedule from pumping every 2 hours to every 3, which means I lose one of my pumps during the day. I am monitoring it to see if it impacts my supply and if it does then I’ll have to go back to 2 hours a day. I’m really hoping that won’t be the case. It has been so nice today to go 3 hours between pump times but we’ll have to see. It also allowed me to spend some time with R during the day, who was really missing me so I’m crossing my fingers that the change won’t impact my supply. It would do wonders for all of us I’m sure. times

Speaking of wonders; I had a conversation with R the other day letting him know that he is going to have to be very understanding of my need to have my alone time, more so now than ever before. I not only have two babies that depend on me and need mommy but I also have a husband who’s always been very needy and clingy, and while that was fine when it was just the two of us, now, it’s really draining me emotionally and physically. I asked him not to be offended, just to understand that as an introvert, the way I recharge my batteries is by being by myself. I need the alone time to take care of me. I think he understood and if not, we can definitely discuss it further.

I’ve been thinking about life lately and I think I may end up going back into management. It’s not something I considered before, but given our present predicament, it’s something I have to consider for our family. I haven’t talked to R about it yet, namely because it’s just something I started to think about and also because I know he will consider it a personal failing on his part when it’s not. We are both equally responsible for providing for our family and as much as we both wanted to avoid the kids being raised by strangers, it’s a luxury we are no longer afforded so it’s time to put on the big girl panties, no matter how much it kills me to do it.

Maybe, I’m not such a terrible mom after all.

Dear Future Self, A Reminder

Dear Future Self, A Reminder

I looked my kids today and realized how different their little hand sizes are from when they were born and it made me sad. They’re already growing too fast and it’s crazy to think that in two days’ time, they’ll be 3 weeks old. 3 weeks, guys! 3 fucking weeks.

It’s funny how these weeks seem to have been the longest, yay sleep deprivation, and the shortest weeks of my life. I guess that’s what being a mother is like right? I never quite understood what my parents were talking about, as a child, when they would say we grow up to fast. I get it now, I do, and it sucks. I have no doubts I’m going to be a blubbering mess on their 1st birthday when I realize that holy shit, I’ve only got 17 years left where they are truly my responsibility, as least where the law is concerned. Why did no one warn me about this part? blogger-image--1748668960

I’m sure there will be days, weeks, or months when I’m ready to stab myself in the face due to the frustrations they will inevitably cause but for now, for now, I look at them and realize just how much they have grown in the 3 short weeks since they’ve greeted the world. For now, I look at my babies and I see 5 years pass by in the blink of an eye, and I have to remember to cherish every moment, even the ones where I want to tear out my hair and breakdown and cry.

For now, I’m asking you, my dear readers, to remind to come back here and re-read this blog posts on the days when the twins are being twinados and I cannot deal. For now, I’m asking you to remind me that life is short, time is not on our side, and our kids, well, they really do grow up too fast.

Oh Snap! I Am a Mommy Blogger!

Oh Snap! I Am a Mommy Blogger!

Sleep deprivation isn’t getting any easier and with both babies in the midst of a growth spurt, let’s just say life in the Beckman household has been hell. I still am not quite sure how R is managing to function without a single nap during the day, but then I imagine that’s probably a result of the fact that he’s not getting up to pump in the middle of the night so his sleep isn’t as broken. Who knows? What I do know is I appreciate him taking the babes during the day so I can at least get one nap in. I’ve offered to take the kids so he can sleep but he’s stubborn and continually refuses. I don’t think he can go on much longer the way he is and suspect very soon we’ll have another day when he crashes around 5 in the afternoon, only to wake up around 9 at night to recharge. I just wish he wasn’t so stubborn.

I think, as much as we will probably loathe ourselves for saying this once they’re older, we are ready for the newborn phase to end. With the kids only sleeping in 2-3 hour chunks per night, I sometimes wonder why we even bother. They seem to sleep better AND longer during the day so I wonder if it just makes sense to adapt my schedule. R obviously can’t as he needs to be awake during the day for job hunting purposes, but I think I could probably modify my pumping schedule to work for being up all night.
sorrynotsorry It’s something worth discussing, I suppose, though it would mean we’d have absolutely no time to spend with each other and I know that bothers him A LOT. I just keep counting the days until we hit that 2-month mark, where there should hopefully be a marked changed. We will see.

I know that recently my blogs have all been about parenting, motherhood, and surviving the twinpocalypse. In essence, I’ve become a “mommy blogger” and while I know that many HATE those kinds of blogs, all I have to say is, tough. Presently this is the only method I have of an emotional dump that doesn’t involve crying my eyes out and completely shutting down so that I’m of no use to my kids and husband, so #sorrynotsorry. Funnily enough, it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. Hopefully, soon, very soon, I’ll have a bit more to blog about that doesn’t stem completely from the motherhood side of things, but for now, I’m getting from my blog what I’ve so desperately missed in the last couple of years: release.