Tag Archives: trying to conceive

Wait, wasn’t this.. and Infertility Sucks

Yes, yes it was. But in truth, the misspelling was driving me crazy and I had a free domain to use that I won during Namecheap’s Christmas trivia. I also feel like this name suits me better.

This was the first time I utilized 301 Redirects and it wasn’t as hard as I anticipated. Reading the tutorials really does make it seem more complicated than it actually is. I’m just glad I didn’t manage to botch anything during the process.

In addition to the new domain, I am also with a new host, which to be honest has been a little bumpy. Part of that however is because when you work in technical support, you tend to assume the person you’re dealing with is an idiot. Generally, that works, but when you’re working with someone who does have a technical background, all it serves to do it piss them off, which is exactly what happened.

I’m willing to give the company the benefit of the doubt and stick with them, especially given that moving hosts can be a stressful process and I’m just hoping that they’re able to resolve this one issue for me and then it will be smooth sailing from here. Fingers crossed.

b1f4faa65a51258da15a16b238b3f2cb This last Tuesday, I went in for my sonohysterogram1 Somehow the receptionist that scheduled my procedure, put me at the Phoenix office and then told me I’d be going to the Mesa office. As a result I had a different RE performing the procedure which was a bit awkward but I managed to make it through. The results came back as normal and there were no abnormal growths or indents found on my uterine lining, which is great news but still a little discouraging because they still can’t rule out that I’m the issue. In any event, we’re taking a pause for now because I’m in the middle of job hunt, which means my insurance may change, plus I’m a little annoyed with R right now and we’re presently walking on eggshells. I generally am not one to stay mad for very long, but I’m just frustrated with the entire situation and I’m not quite ready to let it go. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

This entire infertility journey is a big stress on our marriage. If you add in work and school and the countless procedures we’ve encountered AND have yet to encounter, well you can imagine how much of an emotional journey this is. I try my best to be understanding and logical, but I know that I won’t make it through this infertility journey alone. We have to work together and right now it feels like we’re both working separately, so until that’s resolved and we can come together as partners, I just think it’s best to put a halt on anything infertility related to avoid any further damage to our relationship.

Other than that, nothing else has been new. My class is drawing to a close2 and my sleep schedule is all sorts of screwed up. Despite my attempts to try and fix it, my body continues to hate me and refuses to make it easy.

Tomorrow, I go in for my 3rd and final root canal3 which I’m not really looking forward to, but as with all things we tend to hate, necessary evil, I just wish it didn’t evolve my teeth.

  1. Sonohysterography is a technique in which fluid is injected through the cervix into the uterus, and ultrasound is used to make images of the uterine cavity.
  2. I really need to study.
  3. Thank G-d

Out of Options

“If we end up doing IVF and we have enough embryos, I plan on transferring two.” I admitted this tonight, to a very shocked R. Even with a small increase in success for a pregnancy, I’m willing to risk it because with the procedure being so expensive AND with no help from our insurance I really don’t feel like we have much of an option.

Am I frustrated? Absolutely.

Do I want to risk the potential for complications or premies? No.

Can I afford to put all my eggs in one basket? No.

And I hate it.

I despise the options or rather lack of options we have but it is what it is.

To be honest, none of this has really settled in, mostly because we’re still in the diagnostic stage but I’m trying to get ready for the disappointment and the heartache I know will come.

I’d like to be optimistic and think that we’ll be the lucky few where it all works out with one treatment but I’m realistic and so far based off the stories I’ve read and the ones I’ve been told, it’s really not that easy, and it hurts. It hurts so badly and some days I just don’t want to try anymore. Some days I just want to say forget it and live with the fact that the universe doesn’t think I was meant to be a mom.

And then there are other days. Days when I feel like fighting is the only thing that makes sense. Days when I tell the Universe, “FUCK YOU!” and I know in my bones, in my heart that we will prevail.

But right now, right now? I’m feeling utterly hopeless and wishing it wasn’t so hard.

Right now I’m desperately wishing there was a little boy or girl, cuddled next to mommy and daddy who knows without a doubt that he or she is our whole world.

Right now I’m wondering why the world is so cruel and why I can’t be the one thing I’ve always wanted to be, a mom.